Oh my word!

Wow  it’s been a while hasn’t it? I’m sorry about that. So much has happened and I really don’t know where to start. Ok, so I guess you I can say, as you know in my pervious blogs, I said I have moved to a better place, right? Well, now I realized that it was the best move I ever made (with my mother of course). Only because here, even though we can be struggling sometimes, we are happier. We now can do things without have such negativity around. For example, if my mother wants to go out with friends, she can go out without getting the backlash from doing so, or simply just even watching what SHE wants on tv without a fight breaking out. It’s things like that! For me, it’s the freedom of being able to have people over and go where ever I want without having to come back late at night and not worry about getting chewed out the next morning. Here its sheer freedom. Now, if we could get more income, it would be awesome! We are working on it though.

 

Overall things are going ok. I have started to surround myself with good positive people. Honest and real friends. Hell, not to long ago I got home from hanging out with my two best friends. We went shopping and had lunch, it was wonderful. Next week before one of my best friends goes back to school, we are  going try to head to the beach for the first time for the season. I’m stoked! Granted, I will probably be sunburned, but it will be worth it to relax to the sound of the ocean and sun. Hell, I will probably start reading a new book while I am there. I’m just enjoying the new life I have going for myself here. Still have steps to take to feel more complete, but I rather enjoy the journey instead of rushing to get to that point. My friends and I have so many things planned for the summer. Well, ok maybe not so many, but a few. Just actually feels good to have a social life. HA!

 

Ok confession! I am starting to date a younger guy and what I mean by younger, by more than 5 years younger! For once in my life, I don’t care what others think about this relationship (granted not a lot of people know yet, just a few).  I don’t look my age, so it looks like we are the same age. He makes me really happy right now. We can’t go a day without talking to one another, even if it’s just texting. We are taking it slow and yes, there are some bumps we will have to get over, but so far we seem to get a long well enough to where we talk things out. Grow from it and get stronger. I can honestly also say, he is one of my best friends. I can tell him anything and he is just there for me and listens. I love it. We laugh a lot and our personality matches up, so mentally and emotionally we work out great. The physical part we are waiting on. Why? Well, I work a lot and he lives an hour away and can get busy too. So, finding time at this very moment is not easy. Although, I am going to take a weekend to see him next month. Ahhh ok.. I am gushing now! I will shut up sorry! lol

 

Well, there you have the updates. I will do my best to update more again in the future. Promise!! Later all.

-A

Why Me?

As I sit here, I am left wondering if I have enough strength to release all the emotional cluster-fuck that has happen the past 2 weeks. For starters, I am officially now living in my new place full-time. Granted, I have a lot of stuff to go through and throw out still. I found myself with a lot of memories seeing some of my things I haven’t seen in a long time. Anywhere from old childhood friends to old boyfriends. It’s then I realized, I hang onto the past too much. I sat on the floor at the old house thinking, “Wow! Why do I have all these?”.  Some of the things I found I will keep, cause those were good memories, happy ones. The rest, I will find the nearest trash can. Yet, I just put them in the box and not in the trash. WHY? I mean, WTF? I keep finding reasons to hang onto them. I don’t know if it’s because I want to dig into why I am the way I am. Cause I was always told that the past shapes you to WHO you are today.

 

I just been so lost for some reason lately. Been having a nervous stomach and even in some cases, lack of sleep. It’s like I have a deep feeling something is going to happen. It comes in waves and it gets to a point where I get a little weak when I stand up. I am fine now. Just seem so bored and alone at the moment. Everywhere I turned, I see couples and people being happy. I mean hell, what happened to my drive to turn my life around? I told myself on New Years, “New Year, New Beinginng” and yet, I am letting my past and stupid shit get to me and hold me back a little. Yet, a little part inside me is yelling at me, keep marching girl. Keep pushing to where you need to be. Kinda hard, with having so much other buzz going on and not being able to have the guts to yell shut up and leave me alone for a while! I never have the time to clear my head or do something that helps clear my head. It’s always something right now. It’s like I am standing still, and everyone is throwing things at me and yelling and I can’t move to safety. I just want to disappear sometimes. Hell, what am I saying,…yes, I need to disappear for a while. Like, with no outside contact. No phone, people or internet. I don’t have the guts to do that, but  I could use a vacation. But only to somewhere where it is quiet and away from everything and everyone. I will even settle for a road trip without pain or worry. Just want to be somewhere where it’s quiet.

 

I need to breath and get myself together. I can’t seem to get myself on the right path… mentally, physically and emotionally. Only place that I can get my mind to even find peace is in the mountains and hills. The past 12 hours I have been having this snagging feeling, I just need to go. I mean, everything is spoiling over and with no outlet, I am finding myself the need to just withdraw. I just don’t know what to do anymore! I just need to find a way out or some of the emotional pain I am in. Which is hard to do when you are an emotional person and wear your heart and love on your sleeves. Alright, to be honest I am a very sensitive person. I am just a mess.

 

I am ending this, at least for tonight. It’s 12:18 a.m…. I can’t think any further, so to be continued…

-A

The End of 2012.

Alright, I am blogging when I am on meds and tired. So, this might be a very interesting blog, lol. Well, in a few days, it will be 2013.  The next few days will be busy for me. For starters, I am moving into a new place. Which means, I will be starting the new year in a new place and enviroment. Now let’s hope the money will flow nicely enough to keep this place. Also, I should be having a New Years date. I just hope things follow through so it can happen. I like him a lot. An I hope he truly shows up or can make it, cause only lord knows how it will end up. I think that is a great start, to a new year and life, right? I mean, I think I earned it damn it. I went to emotional hell the past 4 months. Not to mention, home life wasn’t really fun either. Which is why we/I moved.  So,we will see what happens.

I will say that 2012 taught me  that I need to be careful with  who I let close to my life. Specially when it comes to love. That I am way to caring and getting my hopes up in expecting something back in return. Not to mention, trusting people without having them prove themselves. You know like that saying goes, “Action speak louder than words!”. I always said I lived by that motto and I think I need to back up my words and follow through on that  by making sure people do it and expect nothing less. An if you can’t follow through, there is the door. I am not wasting anymore energy and time on people who will not show me they are real and serious, most of all worth my time. Cause if you back up your words and show me you are REAL, then I will give you back what you put in 10 fold. People have to fight for me for a change. I will NOT go running after someone. I am too good for that. I know that sounds self-centered, but I get told all the time I am worth so much more than I let happen to me. Thinking about it, they are right. I just have to be strong-willed and somewhat a bitch to make sure it happens.

So buckle up 2013 I am going to ride you like a bull on crazy pills. I am going to travel, try new things and keep on a path of a healthy life. Most of all, finding my true happy place. I can do this. An I will find out who my true friends are when I go on this path. Yes, there will be sad and stressful times, but that is part of life. I will just learn from it and push through. Ok…. I think my meds are really kicking in. So, I wish you all a Happy New Year and I hope good things come your way. Talk to you all next year!!

-A

Being Labeled.

One thing I hate with a passion is people labeling me something I am NOT.  Usually, it wouldn’t bug me so much if it came from strangers, cause they don’t know me and I don’t give a fuck about what they think and say. It’s the ones that know me or “claim” to know me to label me.  I am not clingy! Maybe you take my actions the wrong way, but I swear on a stack of bibles I am NOT FUCKING CLINGY!!  I mean, for someone who claims to know me so well, you apparently got the wrong impression and to use it against me too which is just so low. It’s very hurtful, cause you trust this person and you thought they would never hurt you. Hell, they promised they wouldn’t. Do I have a target on my forehead that says, “Let’s pretend to know her, get her to like and trust you and then BAM.” I am so sick and tired of people, specially the ones I trust, hurting me. I just have to just chalk this up to being more careful with who I let close to me. I guess I will have to put that on my new years resolution list.

 

Something has to change. Either I do, or the people I let in my life or let go the ones that hurt me now out of my life. I don’t deserve this.  I am worth a lot more than what I get.  I don’t know what I do wrong to have people to think the wrong things about me. I will have to really sit back and dissect my actions before I release it out to the world. Protect my heart and my sanity. An if the people I come across are truly interested in ME, they will never slap labels or assume things about me. Most of all, fight me on wanting me and getting to know me. I know my worth and if they are worth it, I will fight along beside them. I never claim to be perfect. I am an emotional person. When I am mad or really hurt, my actions are totally the opposite of who I am. I always had problems with venting or anything like that. So, everything comes out totally wrong and not what I was going for. Hell, I just need to stop trying to get people to see the person I really am and stop being so emotional, and find other ways to have an outlet. Like on here.

 

Hell, I do feel a lot better letting out my thoughts and feelings on here. Granted, you all are strangers who read this, but I think it’s better sometimes to have someone who completely doesn’t know you, met you or care about you to maybe see where you go wrong. Cause when you are mentally clouded with pain, anger and worry you don’t see as clearly as Joe Blow down the street does.  So, I am asking you, my readers to tell me where you see I go wrong! Please. What can I do, to stop myself from getting into so much pain? Be honest! Could it be I am over reacting or am I being to nice and letting this situation walk all over me, again? I am a strong person, yet I let everything and everyone hurt me when they have a chance. I just have a feeling I will become a serious royal bitch if I put all my walls back up to everyone. I guess, that is the best way to weed out the ones who truly cares, right?

 

Best part of it all. My “brother” and I are going to go off the grid for a little while sometime early next year. Maybe taken another close friend or two who can go, and just disappear. We both have gone through some rough emotional patches in our lives, that we feel we just need to get away just to think clearly. Away from the daily grind and stress. Just go somewhere we never been or go somewhere where we feel comfortable to be in our skin. No computers, no cells..well we will have cellphones, just will be off. It’s so needed. Just totally utterly, disappear. I am going to take it as an adventure of a life time and life changing. I need this and I am going to do it, I don’t care what it takes.

 

Well, anyway, it’s 12-12-12. I hope today brings me strength and luck. This probably be my last entry of the year, considering how often I really update. So, I wish you all a very merry christmas and a happy new year. Later.

-A

 

 

Being Selfish.

I’m frustrated.  Everytime I try to be who I am, it gets misunderstood and thrown back at me. I mean, what the fuck? It’s worse when the person you are being real with doesn’t try to get why you are being the way you are or acting. Then they proceed to say, “I know you very well. I understand.” Excuse me, but no the fuck you don’t! If you did, you wouldn’t throw my actions back into my face. I try to dissect my actions to make sure it’s what I am trying to express or say, and I come to conclude that I need to select myself to different people. You can be WHO you are with everyone, just on different levels. So, now I need to adjust my actions, thoughts and in some cases feelings. Just for once, I would like for ONE person to at least except me for once on ALL levels. Is that too much to ask? I never claim to be perfect and I do come with baggage, but who doesn’t!

 

I am a very giving person. An it’s no secret that people use me for my kindness. Get me to let my walls down and boom. I am not looking for pity or anything. I just look for the good in people and sadly, it most of the time backfires. I just need to slow down I guess. Unless, someone out there tells me how I can be that giving person without things falling apart and I end up feeling like a fool and used!? It’s hard trying to find a way out of your personal situations when no one is in return helping you out. I am a good person. I know that sounds selfish, but I think I earned being selfish. I do a lot and have to endure a lot too. When is someone going to fight for me? Yeah, you know what, I don’t give a damn if I sound selfish! I want that love, care and help. Shit, I earned it damn it!!

 

I really need to get away for a while. Away from the internet, my phone…everything. To much influencing pollution keeping one person from being who they are. I need to mentally just get my shit together. You can never see clearly when you have negativity spilling into your ears, and people putting in their input without all the facts. I mean, I feel like I am going to explode. Have a total breakdown. The question is, where do I go? Where can I go to feel safe and be who I am without judgment. I won’t have a lot of money to travel, but I need to get out of here and just be away from absolutely everything and everyone.  Ok, maybe not from everyone. There are maybe one or two people, I have no problem with escaping the world with, but I can’t do that to them. Make them take up their time with me. Would be selfish right? Ugh.. I would be so much better if my mind wasn’t so full of fog and thoughts.

 

The Holidays for me this year is not good. Things that personally going on here at home is preventing a jolly season. I can’t send gifts really and the stress level of it all is getting to the point of I want to drink myself to a point where I don’t even remember Christmas. God is really pushing me. An I’m praying for a New Years date.  Maybe I can start my year out with good luck, a smile and maybe a love out of it. I wish for things too much. Sadly, I never give up hope. So, let’s see what happens. Anyway, I am outtie. Took almost 3 days to write this entry. HAH.

 

If I don’t post again before Christmas, I wish you ALL a very Merry Christmas!

-A

Totally lost and dazed.

Have you ever stood still and let everything around you fall apart, but it’s all in slow motion?  Yeah, that is what’s happening to me. With the process of moving, which is really rough cause the fall out to the reason we are moving is mentally and emotionally draining. Not to mention, stressful. The tension in this house is unbearable. It’s like being frozen in a large block of ice and  not feeling anything but yet it hurts. How someone can turn off their feelings after so long with someone and act like they don’t care, is for someone like me hard to understand and let go. The feeling of anger, disappointment, pain, spitefulness, and disrespectfulness that fill this house right now makes it hard to breathe, think, react and live. It’s to the point where I can’t even describe it, it feels so bad here. What’s hurtful to me the most right now is, no Christmas this year. We are spending all the money on the move. I love Christmas and it’s fucked up for me now. I am surprised I am keeping it together as I am.

 

An please don’t tell me it’s because I am being strong, I am not. I cry a lot when no one is around. I am mostly dealing with all this alone. Hardly NO ONE in the family is knowing what is going on. None of my friends no what is going on. Just me, my thoughts and heart ache. I feel like I am going to explode. It’s like having a huge panic attack. Your heart races, you go pale, can’t breathe and everything goes dark. It’s like life get’s sucked out of you! An to have to keep it together for others which makes it harder and harder cause you have to be their rock. Well, who the hell is mine? People expect a lot out of me, but I always get so little in return. I wanna drink soooo bad to numb out more than I am already numbing myself too. Then again, I know it’s really a bad idea. It will only make things a lot more worse.  I just don’t have any outlet. I am going to have to take leave from work the moment I can.  At least 2 to 3 weeks,  and go somewhere and be totally off the grid from everyone and everything, alone.  Only thing I have right now is my iPod… only thing keeping me “sane”.

 

As for any form of love life… I wanna love and I do “love” someone, but I can’t do anything about it nor say anything. So, I am totally solo. Hell, maybe I am meant to be. I guess time will tell on anything in my life right now. I am trying to keep my heart calm and my mind on every little bit right now.  Let go of things that need to be let go and that I can’t control. It’s the only way I can think to keep sane. I also have to learn, that if my action hurts others, well so be it. Best way to filter out those who truly care and am I worth anything to them. Besides, if they knew me at all, they would know that is I lash out it’s because I am stressed and hurting, so we’ll see who is in it for me for a change and not the other way around.

 

Anyway..I am going to go drown in music and sleep the world away… ttyl.

-A

Totally confused, again.

So, he sent back my stuff back.  I got it in the mail yesterday. Totally took me for surprise and to be honest, I don’t know how to feel about it.  I mean, I bitched at him to get my stuff back and now that I did, I’m lost for words. The feeling of sadness just washed over me like getting hit by a semi-truck. Is it finally over or is this just another move in the game of fears? It’s totally confusing. Did he give up or did I? Just the day before I got the package, I sent him a message on Facebook that he cared at all he would send it all in a timely manner, then bam I get it the next day. An it was shipped on the 13th and I messaged him on the 12th. What does that tell you?! Ugh.. this shit is confusing the fuck out of me. An no I haven’t forgotten all that has happened and what he done, but what does this all mean? I would love to ask him, but I know he will ignore my questions. All he wanted was space…and I just was a bitch the whole time.

What ripped me to pieces was when my heart bracelet fell out with my GI and the scent of him all over my GI, I started to cry. The power of a scent is very hard to forget. Memories good or bad flood you. I don’t know why, but I just busted out in tears. My friend asked me a simple questions, “Are you crying cause being that he sent this back, it’s really over? OR That you deep down were hoping he would fight for you!?”. Truthfully, I don’t know the answer. God, I am so fucked. With everything going on in my personal life and work, this is an emotional rollercoaster for me. I have to wonder, what is going on through his mind. I want to know so fucking bad! But like I said, he won’t say a word to me. I guess, I just need to let go…for now. Live life the way I am meant too right now and take care of what I need to for myself. The rest will fall into place on its own. At least, I hope.

To make matters worse… I snapped at one of my closest friend last night. He didn’t deserve that, and I feel like shit about it. He has a lot going on and I just snapped at him for a dumbass reason. I was trying to point out what he does and with getting that package, been crying… I just attacked him and not just talk to him. I was hurting so bad, and I took it out all on him. Granted, he knows the WHOLE story about everything. I would love to apologize to him once he talks to me again. We care for one another a lot, and right now he is my rock in a lot of this and I can’t afford to lose him. I am just a hot mess right now.

Anyway, it’s cool… cloudy and drizzling outside. I think I am going to go nap or/and disappear from the world under the covers. Later.

-A