Healing. Day 1.

11 01 2016

So.. I return after almost a year. I am so sorry you guys. Been wanting to update the past two days, but my mind wouldn’t be fully be able to process thoughts. Honestly, I still don’t know if I can. I guess the best way would be just do this in a form of a letter, then you all can see why.

Dear Oltar,

I am still trying to put pieces of our conversations together to try to make sense of how things ended. I am still trying to figure how and why I am taking this so hard. I haven’t been hurting this much in so many years. We care so deeply for one another but you want to let go. You say it’s because you will just keep hurting me and I deserve better, etc. Truth is, you were being honest and I was just having hard time right off the bat to swallow the truth. I would have eventually excepted it and we could at least go with our lives being friends. You were right about a lot of things and I agree with a few of your decisions. Just your decision to end our friendship on top of it all, is one I can never agree with. I know it hurts you to not being able to have what you want. I get that. It’s soo hard going back to how my life was before I met you. Specially being I am doing this ALL alone. It’s what also hurts.

What we have/had is something a lot people wish they could have. We clicked, we enjoyed each other company even if it was just in a game. We enjoyed talking on the phone. An everything was cut off cold turkey. This has to be killing you, too. If everything you told me was the truth. God, what I would give just to get one of your daily good morning text or for you to ask me how I am doing and how did I sleep. I carry my phone around out of habit so I don’t miss your text and I wait patiently for you to text me when you get off from work. Then reality hits, and its all silences. I would give anything to work something out with you. Someone in the game, said, “If what he said was the deep down honest truth, one day he will come around, just he feels this is the best for you and him for the time being. Cause he never said once in what you told me, that he never wants talk, see or hear from you again. So only time can tell. You two need space!” Part of what they said was true, but they don’t know how you are so I can be hopeful but I know the truth. I know you care and love me, and always want me to remember that. You don’t hate me, you will never forget me or wonder if I am OK or how I am doing. Knowing you right now, you are keeping yourself so busy that you are wearing yourself out to a point of you crash by 10 if your not up cause your brain won’t shut off. Everything and anything to numb yourself. There is a quote that was given to me..

“A broken relationship becomes fixable once you both begin to realize that the past doesn’t have to equal the future.”-Blake Shelton

I can write forever cause honestly this is very therapeutic to me. You never know what the future holds, we can only hope it leads us to where the universe wants us to be. I’m not mad at you and having someone devote themselves or time into someone, is worth keeping no matter how rough the road gets. You are a amazing person. So, you are a emotional robot, but it makes you love someone even stronger. You are worth more then you are giving yourself credit. I hope one day you don’t let fear run your life. You know my door is always open to you. You want me happy, I get that. I just hope you let me share that with you one day, if you let me. OK, I think I will end this one here. I will write more later. Be safe❤

Always,
A





A Souls Journey

25 03 2015

Ahhh..love. Love is one thing in life we all crave, if we realize it or not or want it. We walk through life feeling the ups and downs of emotions of love that just can rip the very soul out of our body’s. Make us go so numb that everything goes totally silent in us. Our being, strength and light seems to go blind. We are lost. Dreaming of the day we can feel the warmth of complete acceptance, life and seeing the world in the heart of the one person you can’t breathe without. You are drawn to their light and energy. Yet, for some out there, they seem scared to feel again. Scared their soul will be crushed into nothing. Give up more or less. They walk on this earth pretending to be ok, to make excuses to why they are alone. In deep denial that they are lonely and eager to walk this earth with a force that make them feel like a king or a queen.

To me love is you can look someone in the eyes and the whole world melts away. You float in the air of such peace that every pain, scars and doubt washes away. That only thing that matters is the one heart between you is beating. That you feel something more than love and that word hasn’t even been invented in our life time on earth or before time. Question I have for you is, is there such a love? Is it all a dream? Fantasy? Shit, is it only in the movies? Question you have to ask yourself is, is love worth the risk of getting hurt (again)? Some say, getting hurt is the only way to know you were ever alive. That you can fight your way back to feeling your heart beat again. An you grow from your pain, but never stop loving. If you can stand in the rain with someone, and see their tears, you see them. You see their very soul and without realizing it your soul reaches out to theirs. It’s that moment of ah-ha. That moment where everything goes silent. I understand that everyone sees love differently and that they want to be alone cause they went through so much. I am not saying rush love, it will come to you if you let it. Sometimes it could be right in front of you already but you are totally blind to it. Being patient and letting yourself be open to feeling is a start. I was inspired by a friend to write about love. I see such a beautiful person. An even though we known each other for a short time, you can see he is crawling to love again. I see such love in him and huge burst of light that I wish I could stand in front of him and shake him awake and make him see.

He wants to be alone right now cause he been through so much. I understand that in more ways than you can imagine. He says he is not scared of love. He has been there for me in ways he can’t understand how much I appreciate it. He got me to open up in ways no one did for many years and got me to be me again. I don’t know how he did it, but I feel better talking to him sometimes. Basically, patiently not giving up on me. Making sure I shine and shine bright. So, in return, I am making sure he doesn’t give up whats shining in him and to be open to feeling something again for someone. If that person is Far away or close. To embrace the possibility of truly being ok again. Love again. I am not sure how I am going to do it, but the path to knowing how, will be me being patient with him. There are very few close friends in my life and I see him be in my life as long as he wants me in his. There is so much to say on this subject. I guess, it’s going to be one of those never-ending topics for me on here. If I can’t say what I want too in “person”, it will be in a letter form on here.

To be continued…

-A





Soul Search?

23 03 2015

How do you say how you feel when you never were given the chance to speak? I am sensitive person, so when I get shut down, I withdraw, and depending on how much might I have at the time inside I will say something, otherwise, I shut up. Is that a flaw? Was I born this way? Was I meant to walk this life being silent? Well, I don’t want to be quiet anymore. I want to scream from roof tops and mountain tops with no care in the world what anyone thinks and feels. I try not to let what people say get to me, specially if its critical and judgmental statements. Specially if they do not know me at all. Just it’s hard when all the harshness comes from someone you care about. Then of course then they say, “I am not saying this to be mean, but..”, well then why say it? I mean, come on! Yes, sometimes tough love or that judgmental push or giving someone the truth is needed at times. Just there are a people out there that are just there to belittle you. Make you feel small and worthless. It took me a long time to realize people like that are not worth my time to be nice too or have in my life. It’s pure toxic. Then you realize, you are alone or feel alone cause you don’t have anyone  to hear you scream. Then what do you do?

I realized the past few days that even though I feel like I am open to the world, I am really not. I don’t know if I am doing that to protect myself from that toxic or from everyone. Some people might take this as soul-searching. To me that is a different. I know who I am, what I can do and capable of. I just have to find the strength to just have it all come out. Let the world see what they have been missing. Thinking about it though, I should start out slow. Like I am learning to walk all over again. An when there is someone there to help me, let them with the side of caution. I have learned to let them prove to you that they are worth your time, energy and support. Let them earn that key to your soul to help you shine. An if they screw up in your eyes, don’t give second chances. Heh, I am bad at that, too. Giving second chances. I guess I need to be very selective on that as well. I guess everyone is work in progress. Fuck, you know what? I just need to stop worrying about stepping on egg shells around people and living in the past. Learn from it, and grow. I am all over the place with this, aren’t I? lol. That’s my mind for you!

Life is an adventure. Everyone has their own path, own struggle and lessons to learn. We all have a part in this world, so we all need to buckle up and ride this life to the fullest. Hell, I am prepared to take my kicks when I am down, but when I get up, I will swing back harder. I know why I am here, do you?😉

-A





Im here.. Im here..

14 06 2014

Ok.. like I promised, an update, the 411, the scoop on what I am been up too.

For starters, I am still with my sweetie. We are going on 7 months and still going strong. He makes me laugh a lot, makes me feel pretty, he is fun, he is smart and adventurous. I can say, I see myself with him for a long time. He and I are big on trying to keep busy and try new things. We cleaned up the pool he has, so we can swim and I can work on getting my tan on. Next thing we are going to try (weather permitting of course) going on one of Florida’s long bike trails. See nature and get a good work out. I can’t wait. Honestly, been thinking about seriously just moving to Orlando where he is (well move in with him). I just need to find a job. Speaking of which, I am slowly in my heart feel its time that I leave my current job and find something better. So, I also been looking for a job on the side.

I also been looking for more hobbies other than photography (which I am trying to get back into). So I have been watching a lot of YouTube channels on metal detecting and coin collecting. Now I know what you are thinking, but I am telling you from what I seen and read so fair on the web about it all, it’s not only historical findings in it, you can also get money with your findings. I am a beginner and I don’t have a metal detector and I would have to save up for one. In the mean while, I am also looking into coin collecting. Now, I don’t know if I am 100% right or not, but some not a lot of coins made before 1970 like the quarter or half dollars, are made of real silver. I need to do more research on it all, but I spent most of my day looking through all my coins I have in the house and I found some old coins. The oldest one is a 1940 one cent penny. Keep in mind, a lot of pennies back then were made of copper. Then again, not sure if that is true or not, so I will be doing more digging. I will try to keep you posted on that.

Hmm what else… I am on a diet again. It’s hard, specially if I am bored for more than 30 minute cause then I will just eat. What I am doing is, I got an app on my phone that is helping me count my calories and the steps I take throughout the day. Basically, keep my ass moving. Overall, just cut back a lot of my food intake, more of the healthy stuff and stay active. Lost 2 pounds already the first week. Good start in my opinion. Well, I can’t think of anything else so I will be in touch. If anyone out there knows anything about coin collecting, shoot me a message. Any who, I will catch you all later.🙂

-A





Im alive… promise!

12 06 2014

Hey everyone..

I am sorry for the lack of updating. Just been busy with life and going on mini adventures with my sweetie. Not forgetting the fact, working a lot too. I will have time this weekend, for a full update. So, hang in there🙂

-A





Spring is here!

18 03 2014

Hello everyone🙂

I don’t know how the weather is on your guys front, but here its beautiful. Everything is turning green and blooming with clear skies and temperatures up in the upper 70s, low 80s making it warm outside. I am loving it! Granted, yesterday it was all cloudy and rainy, but that is part of it all. Mother natures way of kicking everything back alive after a long shitty winter.🙂

In fact, about a week or so ago, the boyfriend and I went canoeing. That’s right, you heard me..canoeing. Floating down that river with the weather the way it’s been was just beautiful. Very peaceful as well. I love how the creatures are being born during this time. We saw baby turtles, baby gators, new fish. Hell, that state park even had a natural spring (aquifer) you can swim in. It was hella cold, but it’s that way year around. We plan to go back there again before Spring is over and hike the area some or a lot. He also wants me to take up my hobby again.. photography. That place is great for taking pictures. The beauty of nature right now is at it’s best. We also plan to head out to the beach once the temps reach the 80s all day. He doesn’t like the beach much, but will go for me. I just love having an active boyfriend who is willing to try new things and go places to try to have a little fun. Oh, and I went swimming in his fresh clean pool this past Sunday!🙂

Alright, I have to be honest. I am loving it again being in a city. You are close to everything. My boyfriend is 30 minutes (less on days with good traffic) from Universal and Island of Adventure, malls, state parks, events. He and I are trying not to rush things, but with the way things are I am seeing myself moving to Orlando before the year is over. I am just getting burnt out on this small town. Nothing to do here and you would have to drive over 40 minutes to even get anywhere, even if it’s just to the movies. Plus, work is not getting anywhere either or better. I am in a rut. It is like I am stuck going in circles in that place. So, I will have to quit and find something else in the city, or transfer to another store and hope that place is a little better. Just living here is not doing it for me. Feels like I am missing out on life staying here. I think I am at a point in my life to where, not only am I ready to settle down, but to have a real life. All I know is, being with him, I am coming out of my shell and want to see the world.❤

I am trying to mentally keep positive on things. Try not let fear or nerves talk me out of doing what I know in the long run be good for me. I know I will upset some people or make them mad if I leave etc. It will though show me who are my true friends and will be supportive. Anywho, I need to get some cleaning done around here then I am off to work. If you all like to chat with me or keep tabs on other things I am doing, you can do that by following me on twitter and instagram. I am on them a lot more than I am on here. Talk to you all later!🙂

Twitter: @CuriousSpirit
Instagram: Curiousangel81

-A





Updates and stuff.. :)

20 02 2014

Hello everyone…

Like I promised, I am here to give you all updates with what I have been doing for the past few months. I honestly don’t know where to begin, lol.  Well, after my last post , “Dear John (pt 2)”, I wanted to avoid the internet a little bit. I tried to keep busy offline. Didn’t work out to well, but then something came over me. You know that feeling you get when you get in your gut that you need to try or do something? I for one, followed my gut and it led me to someone so awesome and amazing. Yes, I know I said in my last post I was going to be single for a while. Just I wasn’t going to seat around and keep thinking about all that is happened and try to pick it to pieces to learn about myself, etc. It would have just brought up old wounds and keep my mind and life going in circles. So, I picked myself up and met someone new. He is literally the best guy I have been with. We clicked on all levels! No joke! It was like we been together for years. I have no words to even begin to describe him. It’s like “God” finally understood what I needed in my life and he brought it in a form of a wonderful new love. He is adventurous, happy, positive, responsible, educated, got a awesome job (pays well), funny, loving, caring, romantic, supportive, fun MAN! He brings the best out of me. He is my best friend, I can tell him anything. He makes me feel better when I am having a bad day. He makes me laugh when I need it the most and tries to make a negativity into a positive.  Most of all, no drama in his life. We are going on 4 months and I am still smiling everyday day thanks to him.🙂

On the other news, work is still the same. My hunny wants me to quit. I told him it wasn’t that easy to do that. Though he told me it was ok, and that he would help me. I told him, we will see how things go by the summer. I will either start looking serious for a new job (In Orlando where he is) or just quit. If I quit there are a lot of factors I have to consider, cause it would effect one other person cause they also relay on my income right now to pay my part of the bills. So, we will see where things go. I told him, when we are together for 6 whole months and if my debt is all paid off. We will talk some more about it, and  with my roommate. For now, I just enjoy my days off with him, doing new things and enjoying his company and love!🙂

Overall, I am doing pretty good right now. I just have to fight my way through the mental stress of work and keeping a float here.  I also vow to try new things every week somehow. After all, isn’t that what life is all about? Experiencing its wonders and life? One thing that makes it all worth it, is being able to enjoy it with someone who makes life even better in the process. :)  Anywho, I am off to get some cleaning done and maybe finally getting my taxes done before I head off to work. I will be back soon!🙂

-A








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