Totally Backfired :(

20 04 2015

Sorry for not updating sooner. I know it’s almost been a month, just my last post backfired  on me. An with having over two weeks to think about all that was said from both sides, I have to ask myself, ‘What were you thinking to opening up so much like that??”. I am kicking myself. Should have kept my mouth shut (so to speak).  Now he no longer speaks to me and it been since my last blog update. He read it, and it chased him off. Apparently, he had/has a big crush on me and I made him feel uncomfortable, specially with the way he felt for me. The hurt and disappointment  of him doing has faded away pretty much. Just it’s going to take me longer not to think about him once in a while. I spoke to a long time friend about it all and what they have told me was blunt and to the point. What they said was..quote..

“Hun… you are a passionate person and you are horrible with explaining yourself and thoughts. They usually backfire or hurt someone. You are better at writing out your thoughts and feelings over time. You always been this way. People who are learning about you take what you say wrong cause either they misunderstand what you are saying or read into it too much. That’ their problem. I can go on about that, but I won’t. Now, I can understand from his point of view, too. Apparently, from what I understand, he likes you a lot and he doesn’t  want to be that guy where he falls for you even more and can’t be with you cause you have a boyfriend. So, in some ways, hes protecting you as well as himself. That’s caring and you can’t fault him for that. Granted, he should have at least tried to work out a friendship with you despite any feelings that may or may not come from BOTH sides. Also, in my point of view, if he honestly and truly cared for you like he stated, all of this isn’t easy for him either. This hurts him some too and is disappointed. Besides, he never stated he will never talk to you again. Just right now, it’s not a good idea. Let him do him. For now, continue being who you are. Which a beautiful,smart, amazing, spiritual woman. You both met for a reason and if you’re not meant to be in each other life now, maybe you will later. Now let it go for now, move on and if its worth his wild, he will come around on his own. ”

I love friends like that. Honest and upfront. My friend is right, though. So, I am taking their advice and letting it go, for now anyway. Besides, between doing small projects and spending more time with my boyfriend, it keeps me busy. Specially my mind. Don’t get me wrong, I still am playing WoW daily when I can, lol. I am not ashamed to admit, I am addicted. The game can be pretty fun if you are playing with the right people and fun people. I made a few more friends since he left, so I have someone to play/quest with. Anyway, I need to go put in more applications and go organize some things around the house. I will try to update again soon. In the mean time, you all behave and stay awesome!!!!! <3 :)


A Souls Journey

25 03 2015 Love is one thing in life we all crave, if we realize it or not or want it. We walk through life feeling the ups and downs of emotions of love that just can rip the very soul out of our body’s. Make us go so numb that everything goes totally silent in us. Our being, strength and light seems to go blind. We are lost. Dreaming of the day we can feel the warmth of complete acceptance, life and seeing the world in the heart of the one person you can’t breathe without. You are drawn to their light and energy. Yet, for some out there, they seem scared to feel again. Scared their soul will be crushed into nothing. Give up more or less. They walk on this earth pretending to be ok, to make excuses to why they are alone. In deep denial that they are lonely and eager to walk this earth with a force that make them feel like a king or a queen.

To me love is you can look someone in the eyes and the whole world melts away. You float in the air of such peace that every pain, scars and doubt washes away. That only thing that matters is the one heart between you is beating. That you feel something more than love and that word hasn’t even been invented in our life time on earth or before time. Question I have for you is, is there such a love? Is it all a dream? Fantasy? Shit, is it only in the movies? Question you have to ask yourself is, is love worth the risk of getting hurt (again)? Some say, getting hurt is the only way to know you were ever alive. That you can fight your way back to feeling your heart beat again. An you grow from your pain, but never stop loving. If you can stand in the rain with someone, and see their tears, you see them. You see their very soul and without realizing it your soul reaches out to theirs. It’s that moment of ah-ha. That moment where everything goes silent. I understand that everyone sees love differently and that they want to be alone cause they went through so much. I am not saying rush love, it will come to you if you let it. Sometimes it could be right in front of you already but you are totally blind to it. Being patient and letting yourself be open to feeling is a start. I was inspired by a friend to write about love. I see such a beautiful person. An even though we known each other for a short time, you can see he is crawling to love again. I see such love in him and huge burst of light that I wish I could stand in front of him and shake him awake and make him see.

He wants to be alone right now cause he been through so much. I understand that in more ways than you can imagine. He says he is not scared of love. He has been there for me in ways he can’t understand how much I appreciate it. He got me to open up in ways no one did for many years and got me to be me again. I don’t know how he did it, but I feel better talking to him sometimes. Basically, patiently not giving up on me. Making sure I shine and shine bright. So, in return, I am making sure he doesn’t give up whats shining in him and to be open to feeling something again for someone. If that person is Far away or close. To embrace the possibility of truly being ok again. Love again. I am not sure how I am going to do it, but the path to knowing how, will be me being patient with him. There are very few close friends in my life and I see him be in my life as long as he wants me in his. There is so much to say on this subject. I guess, it’s going to be one of those never-ending topics for me on here. If I can’t say what I want too in “person”, it will be in a letter form on here.

To be continued…


Soul Search?

23 03 2015

How do you say how you feel when you never were given the chance to speak? I am sensitive person, so when I get shut down, I withdraw, and depending on how much might I have at the time inside I will say something, otherwise, I shut up. Is that a flaw? Was I born this way? Was I meant to walk this life being silent? Well, I don’t want to be quiet anymore. I want to scream from roof tops and mountain tops with no care in the world what anyone thinks and feels. I try not to let what people say get to me, specially if its critical and judgmental statements. Specially if they do not know me at all. Just it’s hard when all the harshness comes from someone you care about. Then of course then they say, “I am not saying this to be mean, but..”, well then why say it? I mean, come on! Yes, sometimes tough love or that judgmental push or giving someone the truth is needed at times. Just there are a people out there that are just there to belittle you. Make you feel small and worthless. It took me a long time to realize people like that are not worth my time to be nice too or have in my life. It’s pure toxic. Then you realize, you are alone or feel alone cause you don’t have anyone  to hear you scream. Then what do you do?

I realized the past few days that even though I feel like I am open to the world, I am really not. I don’t know if I am doing that to protect myself from that toxic or from everyone. Some people might take this as soul-searching. To me that is a different. I know who I am, what I can do and capable of. I just have to find the strength to just have it all come out. Let the world see what they have been missing. Thinking about it though, I should start out slow. Like I am learning to walk all over again. An when there is someone there to help me, let them with the side of caution. I have learned to let them prove to you that they are worth your time, energy and support. Let them earn that key to your soul to help you shine. An if they screw up in your eyes, don’t give second chances. Heh, I am bad at that, too. Giving second chances. I guess I need to be very selective on that as well. I guess everyone is work in progress. Fuck, you know what? I just need to stop worrying about stepping on egg shells around people and living in the past. Learn from it, and grow. I am all over the place with this, aren’t I? lol. That’s my mind for you!

Life is an adventure. Everyone has their own path, own struggle and lessons to learn. We all have a part in this world, so we all need to buckle up and ride this life to the fullest. Hell, I am prepared to take my kicks when I am down, but when I get up, I will swing back harder. I know why I am here, do you? ;)


Gamer? Me? HA!

24 02 2015


Well, I am honestly been trying to keep busy. Just it’s hard to be busy when you can’t seem to choose what you want to do as a hobby. I am leaning towards gardening. My mom has a green thumb and is going to help me out this Spring. Hell, maybe do a veggie garden, too. In the meanwhile, what I have been doing is playing WoW (World of War craft). After, I do my daily morning routine, any cleaning that needs to be done, I go play. I am not a gamer. Never had a gaming consoles or anything like that growing up or anything. This game is addicting. I thought I would just play it for a little bit and get tired of it, but nope. My sweetie is the one that got me hooked. He had been playing since the game came out in the 90s. Yeah, the 90s! An from speaking to other players in the game, a lot of them are from all walks of life and age ranging from 14-55 years old. An about 85% been playing since the game came out. What I like about the game is, it follows a story line. The book that came out I think before the game did. It also got me to keep focus on one thing and believe it or not, my eye and hand coordination increased. I feel if you have tried the game before, years ago, you should try to it again they improved it a lot from what I was told and if you never played before, try it. They have 30 day trails.

Just don’t come to me complaining you are addicted! lol. Just remember to keep your social life going too on the side. Don’t be a hermit or ignore your daily duties (like work, family, animals). I only say that cause once you go into questing in the game, it’s hard to stop when you are a roll. Now please don’t think I sit all day and play this game, I don’t (HONEST!). I do other things. Take a walk, work out, read, clean for a few hours, job hunt and on weekends he and I do leave the house for most of the day. Of course, if it’s rainy or cold outside, yeah, we are inside playing cause there is nothing else to do, lol. It’s fun and I like it. So, you can judge me all you want. ;)

I have increased my cooking skills some. Yesterday, I made homemade mac and cheese in my crock pot. Granted, I need to tinker it a little bit otherwise from what I was told, it was yummy. I would cook tonight, but we have some things to get for the house so, we are just going to go out to eat. I just can’t wait for the Spring to come. I get to garden and redo the front of the house and back by the pool. Oh! An we are going to start measuring and pick out our new bathroom. Spring time is going to be a busy time. Remodeling and gardening. I am praying a job will be in there somewhere too. All in all, I am happy and trucking a long. Anywho, I got to get ready. He just got off work and will be home soon. Later gators! :)


Chef? Me? Naww…

4 02 2015


As I sit here drinking my coffee, I am trying to get my brain to spit out what I want to say. I am thinking I need another cup honestly. Well, not a lot has changed since my last post. Still trying to look for a job, not has hard as I should be looking honestly but, I am this time looking for something other than what I been doing. Retail. Don’t get me wrong I will take anything that comes my way and is willing to hire me. Just I know I am more than just retail. I am willing to learn more skills other than what I am good at. Anyone has any suggestion for here in the greater area of Orlando?

In the meanwhile, I am mostly here at home just organizing, and trying to get my cooking skills more sharp. I like cooking. I am still real nervous to do big meals, but I don’t have the need to do big meals cause it’s just him and I. So, my small crock pot gets used a lot. My boyfriend isn’t picky with what I make (unless it has a lot of veggies in it), cause he just loves having something hot to eat for dinner other than cold cereal and mac and cheese all the time before I moved in. I am looking on Pinterest and for casserole dishes to learn and go to a lot. Now it’s just the matter of getting the money to go to the store to get the ingredients I need. It’s ok, he doesn’t mind paying if he gets something yummy out of it. Not going to lie, I do feel bad that I don’t pay for my half. I need and want a job. Plus, I still have 4 personal bills. All will be ok. I don’t stress anymore.

Oh! I am also working out here at home for about 40-45 minutes every morning. I feel like a fish out of the water flapping around working out, but it saves money with not going to a gym right now. My legs are feeling it, but it’s worth it and I try to make it fun. An longer I am away from Wal-Mart the happier I am becoming. So, I will be ok. I don’t feel anymore negativity or anything. I love it. So much happier. Anyway, I need get to working out and job hunting. Later gators! :)


P.S. Oh and I am going to hit up Hobby Lobby and look for something crafty to do. I will keep you informed. :)

Neighborhood Watch and more, oh my!

14 01 2015

Hey everyone…

I have some good news to report! Starting with the news on my mother. Well, as I mentioned in my last post, she was going to the doctors on Thursday (last Thursday really) to get a second diagnosis on her cancer. To really see if she even has it, or to see how bad it really was. So, I was waiting anxiously and nervously for her phone call. Then around noon, she calls to tell me that the specialist believes that what she has is NOT cancer! Let me repeat that, NOT CANCER. Her white blood cells were to low to be cancer, but her blood is all wacked out. He said that he is, “optimistically cautious” that what she has is not cancer and is going to do a lot more blood work to figure this out. When she called today, she informed me that she went for x-rays this morning to see if she has infections in the lungs and so forth. You all have no idea how relieved my sisters and I are. I will admit, I cried on the phone with my mom when she told me that its most likely not cancer. So much worry and stress lifted away. The doctor put her on more antibiotics and ordered more bed rest until he figures this out. Sooo…this journey with my mom, is to be continued.

Honestly, that was the only good news I have. I am getting mostly settled here in Orlando. I am still getting use to the fact I live so close to neighbors and that I can hear conversations in people’s driveways. I am taking all this as, a new life, new start. I lived in the city before, just it’s been so long. My hunny said, “Babe, it’s going to be an adjustment. It will take a little time. Be patient.” What really made me realize that I am back in a city, is that last night we went to a neighborhood watch meeting. Now I first thought, “Ok, to have a neighborhood watch, means there is something wrong with this area!”. Ok, so, it wasn’t so bad. Small group (including my hunny’s grandmother). It was just mostly about getting a grant for a nice sign to put out by the entrance to our subdivision cause there isn’t one and about being aware of some criminal things, etc. All in all, it’s wasn’t to bad. It got me to introduce myself to some neighbors and let them know I am new. Who knows, maybe I will make a friend or two. Otherwise, I am just taking things day by day. After this, I am going back online and fill out more job applications for my surrounding area. I am trying not to stress out about this (cause I don’t have to work if I don’t want to right away), but I am going to eventually get really bored, so keep your figure crossed I will find something even if it’s part-time.

Alright that is all I have to report and vent. I will be back next week if anything new has popped up. Later Gators! :)


New Year…New Journey.

5 01 2015

Happy New Year everyone!

Well, I have a lot to update you all with since my last blog. Some good news, some bad news. I will start with the bad news. On December 18th, 2014 my mom finally after being sick for days so badly, that she can’t even speak very well or move, finally was taking to the doctor (if you knew her, you would know that going to the doctor is very last resort, so it was bad). Now keep in mind, while all this was happening my mom and I had to move out of our place for whatever reason. An if it wasn’t for all the help from her friends the very last-minute, we would have been screwed. Anyway, the next day, talking to the doctor we found out besides, having a serious acute infection, she might have cancer according to her blood work. That she needs to see a specialist ASAP and she is this upcoming Thursday. So, with moving, and my mother I had a very stressful, scared and sad Christmas. She was given a 10 day subscription for her infection, and now that is gone. So, she is feeling better and back more to her normal self. Just now she gets tired a lot and quickly, so she is told to rest a lot and start on a healthier life style. Which isn’t easy for my mom considering she is always use to stress and smoking. She has changed her diet. She is doing a juicing diet that is FDA approved and proven to help with cancer patients. It’s a start. She drinks, 16 oz of beet juice (with some apple and carrots in it too) every morning for the last two weeks. Next we are trying to get her to slowly quit smoking, we just can’t push her, but she knows she needs to stop and wants too, just it’s not easy for her. All in all, there is a lot going on, but we will know more after her doctor’s appointment Thursday.

How am I taking it? Well, I was in shock and in tears for about two hours after mom told me, while packing up our house. Honestly, I am still kind of in shock, even though for years we knew the route and life style my mom was going down with all the stress, smoking, and mild depression it’s going to catch up. An like my mother said, “Well, fuck.. this is a game changer!”. I am slowly still processing this and wondering if I added on to the stress over the years. So, I do feel a little guilty. I am worried about my mom. I don’t want to lose her just yet. I want her to be around for future grandkids and I still need a lot of advice on a few things. Ugh! This has opened my eyes on my health too. I need to lose some weight and try to live less stressful life. Have more fun and not let the small things get to me anymore. I have started a healthy protein shakes/smoothie in the mornings and I am going to lay off all fried food. If I cook anything it’s all in small portions. Oh and a lot of fresh veggies daily. I am thankful for my boyfriend who has been my rock and shoulder to cry on about all this. He is making damn sure I stick a lot more to my diet and live less stressed. Which leads me to the good news…

Remember how I said, “Next time you read this, I will be in Orlando!”, well I am now has of January 3rd, 2015 living in Orlando full-time. I have moved in with my boyfriend. It is a HUGE step for me and for our relationship. I hate being away from mom, but she wanted me to go and live my life and to go be happy. I just had to promise her not to live the life she did. Plus, the place we been living at the past two weeks (her boyfriends), well, my two weeks were up so I had to go. Which is fine, I didn’t want to be there anymore anyway. Plus, that town blows! I am much happier back in the city. Oh, and I also quit my job at Wal-Mart. After 12 looong years, I left. With the stress and crap pay that comes out of that place, it is not worth it anymore. With my moms diagnosis, it opened my eyes too life being too short to be working at a place that doesn’t let you live a life. You are at the mercy of depending on a paycheck, very shitty hours, shitty pay, treat their employees like crap and working holidays. Even if I didn’t move in with my boyfriend, they wouldn’t have worked with me for me to be able to help my mom. So, my parents and friends all supported me with telling that place, “FUCK YOU!”. I am sure there is something better here in Orlando, it just will take some time. I am also taking this time to settle in to my new home and area.

All in all, I am going to be fine. I am just has stubborn and hardheaded as my mother. We both are not going down with out a fight. It’s a new journey for the both of us, and with every bump a long the way, we will only push back harder. We got this! Anyway, I need to finish unpacking my things and clean. I will talk to you all soon. Later gators!


P.S. Side note, if you pray, please pray for my mom and family and for this new journey we all are going to part take in. Thanks!


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