It’s back…

28 09 2011

I haven’t done this in a while and I am the only one to blame for that. Ok yes, I deleted my older entries. Why? Well, simple, I read them and I don’t seem to recognize the person who wrote it. I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, either. Hitting that delete button was like deleting something that was from my mind like suppressing a memory or maybe I wasn’t telling the whole truth. At this point am I not sure if I can open my mind, thoughts and fears. Over the past few weeks some of my fears seems to be resurfacing. I am starting to find myself sitting with my back against the wall, while on break at work. An leaving for work when it’s still dark and not having no light shining on my car, really starting to bring out anxiety I haven’t felt in a good while. This morning I found myself running to my car. An if I were to tell my family such fear, they will just tell me, “Oh you will be fine, it’s all in your head!”. Like I said, it’s hard for me to open up cause with lack of support and trust, it’s just so hard for me.

Some old memories and doubts seem to really like to revisit and flood my mind like going on a damn alcohol binge.  Fears of getting hurt, letting someone in, knowing when its ok and not ok, it’s hard. I sometimes when I talk to someone I think to myself, “Can I trust them?!”. How can I trust someone again. But I know to release these fears, I have to face them. I don’t go out often, not that I don’t have the chance to or the invitation, I just feel safer at home.

To keep my mind busy and off memories, I signed up with an awesome non-profit organization called Soldiers’ Angels (soldiersangels.org). So, along with work, I have been throwing myself into writing complete strangers but it’s ok, cause I don’t have to talk about me. Just a thoughtful and caring thank you and the option to reply if they wish. An I adopted two soldiers who count on me to send them pieces of home. Care package every two weeks and letters to boot with it. Makes me feel better and really get my mind of stuff. It’s addicting.  I know, I know…I can’t run forever.  If I can just find that one person I can trust and relate too, things will be so much better.  Well, at least I hope. Ugh, reading that last sentence I wrote made me cringe. An it’s just the fear talking.

*screams* I have been doing so damn good! Been trying today to figure what triggered my fears again. God, sleeping tonight is not going to happen. God, I need a drink…

-A

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2 responses

7 10 2011
Zaya-Gin

Don’t be afraid anymore….you must find your strength from inside and you seem to be slowly doing just fine.

14 06 2012
fadedkitty81

Thank you for the support and I am apologize for the late reply. 🙂

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