A little better…

9 10 2011

Since my last post, I have been doing better. I have realized some of my fears are hard for people to understand. Specially if they can not relate and I shouldn’t try to get to them to understand. Cause it only makes you look like a nut job for trying to explain something without crying or getting pissed off. When you do find someone who understands, they have it just as hard as me. Some people throw themselves into a shitload of work to run from it all or some just don’t let off that they understand, and smile like nothing is wrong. Granted, all these ways are not healthy. But everyone has their own way of dealing with things. An I shouldn’t push for things to happen. I really need to learn to calm down and take things day by day. Stop trying to understand everything at once. I have held on this long, so if things are supposed to happen, it will happen on its own time. An oddly, I am really ok with that.

It’s Sunday and for a change, I am off from work. Of course, it’s raining outside.  Which leaves me endless things I can do here at home.  In fact, there are a few things I can do. One, I can continue working on my room which I am slowly remodeling. Two, I can curl up with a  few good movies from my stash and crawl up under my covers and waste away the day that way. Three, snuggle up with a good book or four, throw myself into writing soldiers. Hell, with my kind of mind, I will find a way to do it all. I guess its my way of running from things. I think of it as a way of survival.  Like I said, I have held on this long by myself, I can hang on a hell of a lot longer.

I am sure some of you are thinking, what does she mean by, “I held on this long”? and “Waiting on things to happen..”. Well, friends I am kinda a loner. An I usually always dealt with things either on my own or with someone who tries to help. An I recently, learned that I can do things on my own. I guess it’s one of the reasons why  I am feeling a lot more calmer and I guess it’s a start  for me. As for, “waiting on things to happen”, I don’t know.  Maybe finding someone who gets what I am going through and willing to accept me for all that I am.  I am told all the time, “You are a beautiful woman.” Well, I understand that  I am pretty, but I am not super model and I have flaws.  I have strength though. I can handle a lot more than probably most average person can.

Well, I am think I am going to head off to get my day started. Afterall,  it’s 11:30 in the morning and I am still in my pjs. So,  for now you all have homework. If you take the time and look up, “She talks to Angels” by the Black Crowes… it’s where I am at today. Later.

-A

 

 

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