Triggers

21 10 2011

Well, today I learned how bad my trust issues can be. Ok, maybe just not today, but things triggered my issues. Not so much in a bad way, but in a way that makes you just want to crawl into a hole, cause you can throw out who you are, and before you can get a reaction, you hide. I am a queen of hiding. Today I wanted to have my headphones on and just keep to myself. I actually thought about going off by myself on my next day off from work and keep to myself. Hide from everyone. Just go to a park and people watch. I love watching the world go by. Cause for once, my focus is on something else on life and not on my own. Gets me to clear my head. I am not making sense am I?

 

Ugh. I’m trying really hard to let people in. Specially males. With my history of being hurt and alone, and with a person like myself that has just a heart, that is so shy and  alone but screaming for love and real friendship. I know my family loves me more than life itself, but even with them I can’t trust sometimes. An I love my friends, and even though I would walk the world for them,  there are times I am scared to get close to them too.  I am not perfect, I am not a super model and I am not rich. I have flaws and I have character and strength people can be drawn too, but no matter if I find that connection with someone. I will have that fear in the back of my mind, “Are they going to fuck me over today!?”.  I am a sensitive person. I might not show pain, but it’s there. If I get a low blow, I usually will  disappear. Like usual, bury pain.

 

Fears are really a bitch sometimes. I’m trying so hard to face them. I started by opening this blog to someone who I am trying to trust. No one else, not even family knows about this blog. Only if you knew how my anxiety is kicking in right now thinking about someone I know reading this. I just want to crawl into a hole right now.  God, I am close to tears.  I guess it’s the best way to face my fears, right?

I am going to go and put on my headphones and crawl into a hole.

-A

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