Time is ticking.

13 06 2012

I have no words for my absence. I guess, opening up to the world is harder for me than I thought. I know it’s no excuse, but I have no other reasons. My time away has been a emotional rollcoster really. I learned I am stronger than I thought I was and I managed to have the strong will to finally feel beautiful by losing weight. I have some more to go, but being able to match my beauty from inside to the outside is a huge achivement for me. An it’s one hill I battled on my own. I know I shouldn’t feel beautiful by losing weight, cause I was told I was even before I started, but in my mind I wasn’t who I am in that shell. It wasn’t me. So, 3 days a week I go sweat out pain and tears. Thinking about bumping it up and going 4 days a week. Now if I can only get the will to be stronger on my diet part. I need to cut back more. I can do it. I know I can. I am down 18 pounds and 2 sizes. Now if I can down another size and 10 more pounds.

As for the other parts of my life, well.. work is still work. Full of stress and drama, and not enough pay to even it all out. Have been thinking a lot about either moving up to get more pay or to find another job, but where I live it’s hard to find a job to do that. I would have to move, and all that would take money and I don’t have that much, nor do I make enough money to live on my own. So, I would have to go through the process of finding someone to trust enough to live with to even get out of this zip code. Yes, I have roommates now and they have been letting me stay here for a good long while for almost free until I can get out my own two feet, just it’s their home…not mine. You know what I mean? An trusting people is still not my strong suit. Not giving up though, I will get out of here one way or another.

As for my love life, well… there is a lot of love. Just there is a lot of distance between us. An I am not talking about being in the same room and feeling like we are hundreds if not thousands miles apart, but actually being apart that far. I don’t know why I let myself love someone so far away. It’s like I am scared to be  physically close to him. Hell who I am kidding, I am scared shitless of getting hurt again. I have all this love and passion and I so badly want to share it with him, but I trusted so many times before and I always get burned. I know I need to get over this, specially if I want to be that wife and mom I am so really wanting to be. Maybe it’s time for me to stop looking  for love and letting love find me. I feel like my clock is ticking and I hear that clock ticking louder each time I go to bed alone.

I need a drink now….

-A

P.S. If you have a iPhone and you have the instagram app, look me up. My username is: CuriousAngel81

 

 

 

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5 responses

14 06 2012
chey01144

I think I can absolutely relate to each one of these paragraphs; Especially the weight part, but I’m on the opposite side trying to gain. Whether or not you are confident or comfortable about the way you look, Shows. But in the process I learned that it’s not exactly how people see you, but how you see yourself that matters.

14 06 2012
fadedkitty81

Agreed. If you are comfortable and confident it shows. More positive things will come along. 🙂 Thanks for following. I will do my best to keep this blog updated.

15 06 2012
derekeb1

Your statement “Maybe I should stop looking for love and let it find me” rings very true. Before I met my partner, I was always looking for love and always coming up short. I would repeat the cycle over and over again with the same results. I didn’t see myself as a hopeless romantic, but rather a hopeful romantic. It was hard, and I understand where you are coming from. It was hard to come back from a broken relationship that I thought was on tack to do it all again. I believe that it is best when people are comfortable with who they are as a person, which then will then open them up to finding the right person. Keep on the right track of writing your blog. It seems to me like you are doing it for you, which is very important.

Oh, and I was also wondering what type of music do you like? I usually have my headphones on while doing housework, I play piano, and my ipod is a must while I am driving. I was just curious as to what you liked.

15 06 2012
fadedkitty81

Thank you very much for the kind support. Nice to know there are other ones out there that lets you know that your not alone. So, thank you again! 🙂 As for the music, I listened to everything really.. growing up it was the 80s and 70s and sometimes my dad would get me to listen to what he grew up, etc. But in general, its a little bit of everything. I love music, I am very open to it. 🙂

16 06 2012
derekeb1

http://youtu.be/eBBPKedba5o. If that link doesn’t show up search on youtube for Being Alive Raul Esparza. It is the last song from the musical Company. During the show the main character(the one singing in the video) is learning about the different facets of marriage from his friends. He is 35 and most of his friends are married. He spends the span of the play figuring it out what exactly he wants. This song is great because it shows how he changes his view and point of view. I hope you enjoy!

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