Finding Peace

19 09 2012

What the fuck is my problem?! I have no clue why I am letting fear over come my emotions and actions. When I let fear control my life, I’m  nothing but irrational and do un-character like things (if that makes any sense). For example, in my last entry, everything is still true but for some reason I am assuming when I don’t need to be. Like, I am assuming he is ignoring me, when he is just on the phone with possible employers or something to do with his business. He is just a very busy guy and going through A LOT. Hell, when I was there he was doing some things cause he needed too. Just for some reason, I let it get to my head he lied to me and is ignoring me, etc. That’s not WHO I AM, I am NOT like that! I am not clingy nor am I a drama kind of girl, yet I am acting like I lost my mind. Then again, it doesn’t help having people whisper in your ear that he is cheating or that this is not “normal behavior” for a relationship.  I would like to set the record straight on somethings real quick though.

For starters, he was this way when I met him. So, it’s not like I didn’t know what I was getting myself into.  What is “normal behavior” for a relationship anyway? Who are people to judge my relationship with someone when they either..

  • A.) Single and don’t know a good man if it bit them in the ass!
  • B.) In a shitty relationship, so they have to  point out flaws in yours so they feel like they are the only ones.
  • C.) Trying to convince you your partner is doing the same shit to you as their partner is to them (cheating, lying..etc).

So, I only got to say one thing to all of that, “SHUT THE FUCK UP AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!” Unless, I go to you for your OPINION, shut up. I mean, this is why, I only have a few real close friends I can go to for advice and opinions that won’t pass judgement, understand and will be honest. I just need to find my balance in my relationship with him. He is busy getting his shit straight and working his ass off and most of all dealing with some painful and personal things. I need to just stop trying so damn hard and let things just unfold itself. Hell, even his roommate and close friend said, “he just needs space, take it slow”. So, that’s what I am going to do. I will just have to keep myself busy and distanced, and let him come to me. Cause texting him when he can’t reply and worrying so much is something he doesn’t need to deal with. I just have to keep being patient, strong and trust he will keep his word and all the things he has said. Specially promises. We love each other and we both know that, and when the love is real, you make it through anything.  All about trust!

I think the reason why I fear so much is because I am so used to getting hurt and having promises broken, that it’s hard for me to visualize someone finally being true to me. It’s like waiting for the other shoe to drop and they jump out going, “Just kidding! Good Bye!”.  I have to work on trying not to react so badly. Hey, I never claimed to be perfect. I make mistakes and I learn from them. So, for right now, I am going to go MIA. No Facebook, texting (unless it’s with family or my two best friends) or talking about this in a negative way. It’s all positive, love and trust from here on out. He will text or call when he is ready. So, I am forcing myself to go old school and do things before I had a cellphone or internet. Which is, go out more, reading, work on home projects (like my room), etc. I promise I won’t be gone for very long. I just have to prove to myself I am stronger than I am and for how much I love him. Besides I need to shake my fears off.

So, on that note. I am off to have some lunch, clean and watch movies. I would go out, but it’s raining. What better time to get some rest and mediate. Talk to you all soon.

-A

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