It’s Complicated.

6 10 2012

Hm. Where should I start? I’m mentally, emotionally, and physically all in different places. Mentally, I am telling every other part of me to shut up. It has me totally focusing on remaining strong and not to show pain or anger. Just plainly going numb. Like, it’s not the right time to feel. I don’t know if I am doing this to punish myself or others, but right now it’s just like my mind is telling me, “what the fuck are you doing? STOP! You are better than this!”. Of course, my heart and spirit wants to override it all. I am just at a stage in my life where I am better than I betray myself to be. The shell, my actions and the whole thing of keeping my mouth shut is not  me. What I mean by that is, the way I react to things and say is not what I am feeling (most of the time). The past few weeks I have been trying to figure out, how to balance myself and not hurt myself or someone I care about. Weed out the truth, lies, the negative and positive things. Just overall, trying to limit the pain and stress in my life by stepping back from things and some people, so I can come back stronger for my health and for the sake of theirs.

Emotionally, well, I am born this way. There is nothing I can do about it. I just have to learn when it’s ok to be emotional. Just not when I feel it’s ok to be and throw my emotions into something that will only lead to back lashings. But am I being punished for the way I am? Why do I seek such adventures of the heart? I take it to places where my mind mentally literally goes, “What the fuck are you doing?”. I need to teach my heart to be just has strong as my mind. I won’t take away the love it gives, but getting to realize to slow it down and to be careful on who I give the love too. Just like everyone else in this world, my love has a purpose, and it’s meant for one person only. It’s just how you take your heart on the journey to find that one person that won’t kill it repeatedly. I am strong, but when it comes to the heart I am the weakest of them all.  UGH…WHY?!?!

Physically, well, with my mind and heart going to war it has taken its toll on me. Lack of sleep, starting to get my poor eating habits back and I am such need to want to drink. Like, I am wanting to numb everything totally out. No physical, emotional or mental pain. Just a mutual plain of calm. Where silence and relief lies. I just for once would like to be able to balance all of this out and march forward. Then of course, my curiosity gets the best of me and I have to explore places where my heart and mind will be going at it like World War 3! Then again, it’s something I am use too since I was very young. I don’t know what love is without pain. Acceptance without judgement. Understanding without criticism or knowledge of who I really am without judgement.

You all are probably wondering if I am still even with him. I guess you can say we are together, I dunno. Just he has gone silent on me. I don’t know if that is his way of protecting me from everything he is going through, or his way of wanting out of his word. I have heard from him more before I went to see him, now I am not even a dot on his radar. If he would just put his big boy panties on and just say how he feels and what his motives are, maybe I wouldn’t be left guessing so much! He won’t even text me good morning anymore. I have to prepare myself for the worst and expect the best from him. Either way, until we can finally talk (which I am guessing is on his terms), I just need to move forward with my life. I love him, I truly and deeply do and I want to be with him (I know what you guys are thinking, but there is a lot more to him then what the world sees). Also, been thinking, he teaches/trains others people for a living….and sometimes even when you are not even one of his students, he makes sure you learn something out your situations.

Anyway…. so in the process of it all, I have been keeping super busy. Gym (even though my eating habits suck), working more (I got more hours now), hanging with friends more, doing home projects and reading a lot. I am just about done with my 514 page book! Yes, that is right, I am reading “Fifty Shades of Grey”.  One of my best friends gave it to me as a late birthday gift a week ago, don’t judge! Then again, now I know what all the fuss was about. Ladies, it’s a must read! I had my doubts too, but holy hell… READ IT!!  Well, until next time my faithful readers.

-A

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