Broken. Part 1

22 10 2012

Well, what can I say…things went from complicated to beyond worse. Why? Well, I had to let him go last night, cause I found out a few things that were against my golden rules. I’m honestly speechless. I don’t know if it is because deep down I knew already and wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Then again, the whole “cause I love him” thing also played a factor. I snapped out of that once I was told the truth, NOT by him, but by his roommate who had nothing to lose by lying. Like I said, I had a feeling. He just pointed out all the signs and connected all the dots together for me. Just as quickly, my eyes opened and a flood of pain rushed in. Once again, I was blinded by “love” and by trusting. Stupid, stupid, stupid!!

I’m ok though. I know, there are many different forums of “ok” and I can’t honestly tell you what stage I am at. Cause at the moment I am numb. Numb like I don’t care what happens to anyone right now. I just don’t have the energy and the strength at the moment to care and love. Emotions are shut down. It’s a normal feeling to have, and I don’t know how long I will be feeling this way. I know with time I will be fine and bounce fully back, but I am taking this as a lesson learned and I am learning from it. I am just so disappointed in myself. How can I let him do that to me? What is worse is that, I trusted him. WHY? WWHHYY?!? ARG! It is bad enough that I have trust issues, but lord he set me back. One emotion I am feeling is anger. At myself and at him. I mean, how could I have let him suck me in like that!?!? I guess, he played me on the fact I am a very open and loving person and all it took was to say the right things, to keep me sticking around.  Maybe, I am a fucking fool for saying this, but maybe, just maybe he was telling the truth about how he felt. Just why couldn’t he act on them in the honorable way?  *SCREAMS* I just can’t believe anything right now until I know what is real and what is not. Sadly, he is the ONLY one who can prove to me on that.  Right now, if he were to even try to talk to me by calling or texting, or hell try coming down and seeing me… I will not be able to listen or care as I hit him with everything I can get my hands on. I am completely shut down and it would be dangerous to talk to me, cause everything will come out. I am OPEN MINDED at what the future will bring. Just right now, I don’t even want to hear his name, know what he is doing, WHO he is doing or if he is missing me.  I know my worth and he KNEW how much I understood and accepted him, yet still managed to hurt me. He wanted, time to process things out and figure things out….being with two women at once. NO hun it doesn’t work that way. Well, now you have ALL the space and time you need, cause now that don’t have either women, you can have all the silence and time to process things now.

What amazes me is that, I don’t hate him. I should want to hit him with my car, make his life worse off then it is for him right now. But I have class, respect for myself and sadly, I still love him. With time, I know I will have waves of emotions of missing him, wanting to talk to him, wanting him back to wanting to beat the living shit out of him. I guess time will heal all wounds, just the path that the healing will go down on is up to me.  I’m lost at the moment, so who knows when or how I am going to start to heal. I guess, it will be one day at a time. I just really have to just keep busy and not dwell on it. What is playing over in my head in my head is his last text to me. I was like “WTF?!”. I mean seriously. Do you not know me at ALL? Cause if he knew me as well as his roommate does, then he would feel like shit for saying what he said. All he had to do is just get to know me and I mean, really get to know me. I smiled when his roommate agreed he didn’t know me at all. Sad, isn’t it? Not to mention, I quote, “You are the best woman he ever brought home! Do you have a friend or a sister like you?”.  God, everyone sees it but him. Wow. Totally blind to a TRUE ONE love.  Maybe it wasn’t our time. God, listen to me… 😥

I am just going to take care of me and live the life I am meant too. Over all, time can only tell where it’s all going to make me end up. Besides, it will give me the chance to take care of some personal things as I try to heal. I am proud of one thing…. I will not give up on love. Not even all he has done can keep me from that one happiness and strength. I know my worth and I know the truth in my heart. Someday someone will see it and I will be finally complete.

Time for a drink to keep the numbness going.





One response

1 11 2012

Reblogged this on Pleading Insanity .

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