Totally confused, again.

15 11 2012

So, he sent back my stuff back.  I got it in the mail yesterday. Totally took me for surprise and to be honest, I don’t know how to feel about it.  I mean, I bitched at him to get my stuff back and now that I did, I’m lost for words. The feeling of sadness just washed over me like getting hit by a semi-truck. Is it finally over or is this just another move in the game of fears? It’s totally confusing. Did he give up or did I? Just the day before I got the package, I sent him a message on Facebook that he cared at all he would send it all in a timely manner, then bam I get it the next day. An it was shipped on the 13th and I messaged him on the 12th. What does that tell you?! 😦 Ugh.. this shit is confusing the fuck out of me. An no I haven’t forgotten all that has happened and what he done, but what does this all mean? I would love to ask him, but I know he will ignore my questions. All he wanted was space…and I just was a bitch the whole time.

What ripped me to pieces was when my heart bracelet fell out with my GI and the scent of him all over my GI, I started to cry. The power of a scent is very hard to forget. Memories good or bad flood you. I don’t know why, but I just busted out in tears. My friend asked me a simple questions, “Are you crying cause being that he sent this back, it’s really over? OR That you deep down were hoping he would fight for you!?”. Truthfully, I don’t know the answer. God, I am so fucked. With everything going on in my personal life and work, this is an emotional rollercoaster for me. I have to wonder, what is going on through his mind. I want to know so fucking bad! But like I said, he won’t say a word to me. I guess, I just need to let go…for now. Live life the way I am meant too right now and take care of what I need to for myself. The rest will fall into place on its own. At least, I hope.

To make matters worse… I snapped at one of my closest friend last night. He didn’t deserve that, and I feel like shit about it. He has a lot going on and I just snapped at him for a dumbass reason. I was trying to point out what he does and with getting that package, been crying… I just attacked him and not just talk to him. I was hurting so bad, and I took it out all on him. Granted, he knows the WHOLE story about everything. I would love to apologize to him once he talks to me again. We care for one another a lot, and right now he is my rock in a lot of this and I can’t afford to lose him. I am just a hot mess right now. 😦

Anyway, it’s cool… cloudy and drizzling outside. I think I am going to go nap or/and disappear from the world under the covers. Later.

-A

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