Totally lost and dazed.

27 11 2012

Have you ever stood still and let everything around you fall apart, but it’s all in slow motion?  Yeah, that is what’s happening to me. With the process of moving, which is really rough cause the fall out to the reason we are moving is mentally and emotionally draining. Not to mention, stressful. The tension in this house is unbearable. It’s like being frozen in a large block of ice and  not feeling anything but yet it hurts. How someone can turn off their feelings after so long with someone and act like they don’t care, is for someone like me hard to understand and let go. The feeling of anger, disappointment, pain, spitefulness, and disrespectfulness that fill this house right now makes it hard to breathe, think, react and live. It’s to the point where I can’t even describe it, it feels so bad here. What’s hurtful to me the most right now is, no Christmas this year. We are spending all the money on the move. I love Christmas and it’s fucked up for me now. I am surprised I am keeping it together as I am.

 

An please don’t tell me it’s because I am being strong, I am not. I cry a lot when no one is around. I am mostly dealing with all this alone. Hardly NO ONE in the family is knowing what is going on. None of my friends no what is going on. Just me, my thoughts and heart ache. I feel like I am going to explode. It’s like having a huge panic attack. Your heart races, you go pale, can’t breathe and everything goes dark. It’s like life get’s sucked out of you! An to have to keep it together for others which makes it harder and harder cause you have to be their rock. Well, who the hell is mine? People expect a lot out of me, but I always get so little in return. I wanna drink soooo bad to numb out more than I am already numbing myself too. Then again, I know it’s really a bad idea. It will only make things a lot more worse.  I just don’t have any outlet. I am going to have to take leave from work the moment I can.  At least 2 to 3 weeks,  and go somewhere and be totally off the grid from everyone and everything, alone.  Only thing I have right now is my iPod… only thing keeping me “sane”.

 

As for any form of love life… I wanna love and I do “love” someone, but I can’t do anything about it nor say anything. So, I am totally solo. Hell, maybe I am meant to be. I guess time will tell on anything in my life right now. I am trying to keep my heart calm and my mind on every little bit right now.  Let go of things that need to be let go and that I can’t control. It’s the only way I can think to keep sane. I also have to learn, that if my action hurts others, well so be it. Best way to filter out those who truly care and am I worth anything to them. Besides, if they knew me at all, they would know that is I lash out it’s because I am stressed and hurting, so we’ll see who is in it for me for a change and not the other way around.

 

Anyway..I am going to go drown in music and sleep the world away… ttyl.

-A

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