Being Selfish.

5 12 2012

I’m frustrated.  Everytime I try to be who I am, it gets misunderstood and thrown back at me. I mean, what the fuck? It’s worse when the person you are being real with doesn’t try to get why you are being the way you are or acting. Then they proceed to say, “I know you very well. I understand.” Excuse me, but no the fuck you don’t! If you did, you wouldn’t throw my actions back into my face. I try to dissect my actions to make sure it’s what I am trying to express or say, and I come to conclude that I need to select myself to different people. You can be WHO you are with everyone, just on different levels. So, now I need to adjust my actions, thoughts and in some cases feelings. Just for once, I would like for ONE person to at least except me for once on ALL levels. Is that too much to ask? I never claim to be perfect and I do come with baggage, but who doesn’t!

 

I am a very giving person. An it’s no secret that people use me for my kindness. Get me to let my walls down and boom. I am not looking for pity or anything. I just look for the good in people and sadly, it most of the time backfires. I just need to slow down I guess. Unless, someone out there tells me how I can be that giving person without things falling apart and I end up feeling like a fool and used!? It’s hard trying to find a way out of your personal situations when no one is in return helping you out. I am a good person. I know that sounds selfish, but I think I earned being selfish. I do a lot and have to endure a lot too. When is someone going to fight for me? Yeah, you know what, I don’t give a damn if I sound selfish! I want that love, care and help. Shit, I earned it damn it!!

 

I really need to get away for a while. Away from the internet, my phone…everything. To much influencing pollution keeping one person from being who they are. I need to mentally just get my shit together. You can never see clearly when you have negativity spilling into your ears, and people putting in their input without all the facts. I mean, I feel like I am going to explode. Have a total breakdown. The question is, where do I go? Where can I go to feel safe and be who I am without judgment. I won’t have a lot of money to travel, but I need to get out of here and just be away from absolutely everything and everyone.  Ok, maybe not from everyone. There are maybe one or two people, I have no problem with escaping the world with, but I can’t do that to them. Make them take up their time with me. Would be selfish right? Ugh.. I would be so much better if my mind wasn’t so full of fog and thoughts.

 

The Holidays for me this year is not good. Things that personally going on here at home is preventing a jolly season. I can’t send gifts really and the stress level of it all is getting to the point of I want to drink myself to a point where I don’t even remember Christmas. God is really pushing me. An I’m praying for a New Years date.  Maybe I can start my year out with good luck, a smile and maybe a love out of it. I wish for things too much. Sadly, I never give up hope. So, let’s see what happens. Anyway, I am outtie. Took almost 3 days to write this entry. HAH.

 

If I don’t post again before Christmas, I wish you ALL a very Merry Christmas!

-A

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One response

30 04 2013
Brenda

Maybe your kindness shown to others should be shown first to yourself and give yourself the respect you give to others..only give this to you first. How will your spirit man live if you do not fill up his cup first. Learn to say no and nicely and stick to your guns. those that need to be. In your life will stay , those that just were using you will leave, expect it. Your a spiritual person first created by an awesome God who delights in you. delight yourself in him and the wonderful creation he made you to be. you can express your self with the many wonderful words of the dictionary the do not have to be in vain.
Return to the peaceful kind quietness icon your heart that make you happy. If you do not like a situation, gently remove yourself from it, or learn from it always be helpful and positive and kind to others ,, first be KIND to yourself.

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