Why Me?

24 01 2013

As I sit here, I am left wondering if I have enough strength to release all the emotional cluster-fuck that has happen the past 2 weeks. For starters, I am officially now living in my new place full-time. Granted, I have a lot of stuff to go through and throw out still. I found myself with a lot of memories seeing some of my things I haven’t seen in a long time. Anywhere from old childhood friends to old boyfriends. It’s then I realized, I hang onto the past too much. I sat on the floor at the old house thinking, “Wow! Why do I have all these?”.  Some of the things I found I will keep, cause those were good memories, happy ones. The rest, I will find the nearest trash can. Yet, I just put them in the box and not in the trash. WHY? I mean, WTF? I keep finding reasons to hang onto them. I don’t know if it’s because I want to dig into why I am the way I am. Cause I was always told that the past shapes you to WHO you are today.

 

I just been so lost for some reason lately. Been having a nervous stomach and even in some cases, lack of sleep. It’s like I have a deep feeling something is going to happen. It comes in waves and it gets to a point where I get a little weak when I stand up. I am fine now. Just seem so bored and alone at the moment. Everywhere I turned, I see couples and people being happy. I mean hell, what happened to my drive to turn my life around? I told myself on New Years, “New Year, New Beinginng” and yet, I am letting my past and stupid shit get to me and hold me back a little. Yet, a little part inside me is yelling at me, keep marching girl. Keep pushing to where you need to be. Kinda hard, with having so much other buzz going on and not being able to have the guts to yell shut up and leave me alone for a while! I never have the time to clear my head or do something that helps clear my head. It’s always something right now. It’s like I am standing still, and everyone is throwing things at me and yelling and I can’t move to safety. I just want to disappear sometimes. Hell, what am I saying,…yes, I need to disappear for a while. Like, with no outside contact. No phone, people or internet. I don’t have the guts to do that, but  I could use a vacation. But only to somewhere where it is quiet and away from everything and everyone. I will even settle for a road trip without pain or worry. Just want to be somewhere where it’s quiet.

 

I need to breath and get myself together. I can’t seem to get myself on the right path… mentally, physically and emotionally. Only place that I can get my mind to even find peace is in the mountains and hills. The past 12 hours I have been having this snagging feeling, I just need to go. I mean, everything is spoiling over and with no outlet, I am finding myself the need to just withdraw. I just don’t know what to do anymore! I just need to find a way out or some of the emotional pain I am in. Which is hard to do when you are an emotional person and wear your heart and love on your sleeves. Alright, to be honest I am a very sensitive person. I am just a mess.

 

I am ending this, at least for tonight. It’s 12:18 a.m…. I can’t think any further, so to be continued…

-A

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