Healing. Day 1.

11 01 2016

So.. I return after almost a year. I am so sorry you guys. Been wanting to update the past two days, but my mind wouldn’t be fully be able to process thoughts. Honestly, I still don’t know if I can. I guess the best way would be just do this in a form of a letter, then you all can see why.

Dear Oltar,

I am still trying to put pieces of our conversations together to try to make sense of how things ended. I am still trying to figure how and why I am taking this so hard. I haven’t been hurting this much in so many years. We care so deeply for one another but you want to let go. You say it’s because you will just keep hurting me and I deserve better, etc. Truth is, you were being honest and I was just having hard time right off the bat to swallow the truth. I would have eventually excepted it and we could at least go with our lives being friends. You were right about a lot of things and I agree with a few of your decisions. Just your decision to end our friendship on top of it all, is one I can never agree with. I know it hurts you to not being able to have what you want. I get that. It’s soo hard going back to how my life was before I met you. Specially being I am doing this ALL alone. It’s what also hurts.

What we have/had is something a lot people wish they could have. We clicked, we enjoyed each other company even if it was just in a game. We enjoyed talking on the phone. An everything was cut off cold turkey. This has to be killing you, too. If everything you told me was the truth. God, what I would give just to get one of your daily good morning text or for you to ask me how I am doing and how did I sleep. I carry my phone around out of habit so I don’t miss your text and I wait patiently for you to text me when you get off from work. Then reality hits, and its all silences. I would give anything to work something out with you. Someone in the game, said, “If what he said was the deep down honest truth, one day he will come around, just he feels this is the best for you and him for the time being. Cause he never said once in what you told me, that he never wants talk, see or hear from you again. So only time can tell. You two need space!” Part of what they said was true, but they don’t know how you are so I can be hopeful but I know the truth. I know you care and love me, and always want me to remember that. You don’t hate me, you will never forget me or wonder if I am OK or how I am doing. Knowing you right now, you are keeping yourself so busy that you are wearing yourself out to a point of you crash by 10 if your not up cause your brain won’t shut off. Everything and anything to numb yourself. There is a quote that was given to me..

“A broken relationship becomes fixable once you both begin to realize that the past doesn’t have to equal the future.”-Blake Shelton

I can write forever cause honestly this is very therapeutic to me. You never know what the future holds, we can only hope it leads us to where the universe wants us to be. I’m not mad at you and having someone devote themselves or time into someone, is worth keeping no matter how rough the road gets. You are a amazing person. So, you are a emotional robot, but it makes you love someone even stronger. You are worth more then you are giving yourself credit. I hope one day you don’t let fear run your life. You know my door is always open to you. You want me happy, I get that. I just hope you let me share that with you one day, if you let me. OK, I think I will end this one here. I will write more later. Be safe ❤

Always,
A

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Soul Search?

23 03 2015

How do you say how you feel when you never were given the chance to speak? I am sensitive person, so when I get shut down, I withdraw, and depending on how much might I have at the time inside I will say something, otherwise, I shut up. Is that a flaw? Was I born this way? Was I meant to walk this life being silent? Well, I don’t want to be quiet anymore. I want to scream from roof tops and mountain tops with no care in the world what anyone thinks and feels. I try not to let what people say get to me, specially if its critical and judgmental statements. Specially if they do not know me at all. Just it’s hard when all the harshness comes from someone you care about. Then of course then they say, “I am not saying this to be mean, but..”, well then why say it? I mean, come on! Yes, sometimes tough love or that judgmental push or giving someone the truth is needed at times. Just there are a people out there that are just there to belittle you. Make you feel small and worthless. It took me a long time to realize people like that are not worth my time to be nice too or have in my life. It’s pure toxic. Then you realize, you are alone or feel alone cause you don’t have anyone  to hear you scream. Then what do you do?

I realized the past few days that even though I feel like I am open to the world, I am really not. I don’t know if I am doing that to protect myself from that toxic or from everyone. Some people might take this as soul-searching. To me that is a different. I know who I am, what I can do and capable of. I just have to find the strength to just have it all come out. Let the world see what they have been missing. Thinking about it though, I should start out slow. Like I am learning to walk all over again. An when there is someone there to help me, let them with the side of caution. I have learned to let them prove to you that they are worth your time, energy and support. Let them earn that key to your soul to help you shine. An if they screw up in your eyes, don’t give second chances. Heh, I am bad at that, too. Giving second chances. I guess I need to be very selective on that as well. I guess everyone is work in progress. Fuck, you know what? I just need to stop worrying about stepping on egg shells around people and living in the past. Learn from it, and grow. I am all over the place with this, aren’t I? lol. That’s my mind for you!

Life is an adventure. Everyone has their own path, own struggle and lessons to learn. We all have a part in this world, so we all need to buckle up and ride this life to the fullest. Hell, I am prepared to take my kicks when I am down, but when I get up, I will swing back harder. I know why I am here, do you? 😉

-A