Healing. Day 1.

11 01 2016

So.. I return after almost a year. I am so sorry you guys. Been wanting to update the past two days, but my mind wouldn’t be fully be able to process thoughts. Honestly, I still don’t know if I can. I guess the best way would be just do this in a form of a letter, then you all can see why.

Dear Oltar,

I am still trying to put pieces of our conversations together to try to make sense of how things ended. I am still trying to figure how and why I am taking this so hard. I haven’t been hurting this much in so many years. We care so deeply for one another but you want to let go. You say it’s because you will just keep hurting me and I deserve better, etc. Truth is, you were being honest and I was just having hard time right off the bat to swallow the truth. I would have eventually excepted it and we could at least go with our lives being friends. You were right about a lot of things and I agree with a few of your decisions. Just your decision to end our friendship on top of it all, is one I can never agree with. I know it hurts you to not being able to have what you want. I get that. It’s soo hard going back to how my life was before I met you. Specially being I am doing this ALL alone. It’s what also hurts.

What we have/had is something a lot people wish they could have. We clicked, we enjoyed each other company even if it was just in a game. We enjoyed talking on the phone. An everything was cut off cold turkey. This has to be killing you, too. If everything you told me was the truth. God, what I would give just to get one of your daily good morning text or for you to ask me how I am doing and how did I sleep. I carry my phone around out of habit so I don’t miss your text and I wait patiently for you to text me when you get off from work. Then reality hits, and its all silences. I would give anything to work something out with you. Someone in the game, said, “If what he said was the deep down honest truth, one day he will come around, just he feels this is the best for you and him for the time being. Cause he never said once in what you told me, that he never wants talk, see or hear from you again. So only time can tell. You two need space!” Part of what they said was true, but they don’t know how you are so I can be hopeful but I know the truth. I know you care and love me, and always want me to remember that. You don’t hate me, you will never forget me or wonder if I am OK or how I am doing. Knowing you right now, you are keeping yourself so busy that you are wearing yourself out to a point of you crash by 10 if your not up cause your brain won’t shut off. Everything and anything to numb yourself. There is a quote that was given to me..

“A broken relationship becomes fixable once you both begin to realize that the past doesn’t have to equal the future.”-Blake Shelton

I can write forever cause honestly this is very therapeutic to me. You never know what the future holds, we can only hope it leads us to where the universe wants us to be. I’m not mad at you and having someone devote themselves or time into someone, is worth keeping no matter how rough the road gets. You are a amazing person. So, you are a emotional robot, but it makes you love someone even stronger. You are worth more then you are giving yourself credit. I hope one day you don’t let fear run your life. You know my door is always open to you. You want me happy, I get that. I just hope you let me share that with you one day, if you let me. OK, I think I will end this one here. I will write more later. Be safe ❤

Always,
A





Spring is here!

18 03 2014

Hello everyone 🙂

I don’t know how the weather is on your guys front, but here its beautiful. Everything is turning green and blooming with clear skies and temperatures up in the upper 70s, low 80s making it warm outside. I am loving it! Granted, yesterday it was all cloudy and rainy, but that is part of it all. Mother natures way of kicking everything back alive after a long shitty winter. 🙂

In fact, about a week or so ago, the boyfriend and I went canoeing. That’s right, you heard me..canoeing. Floating down that river with the weather the way it’s been was just beautiful. Very peaceful as well. I love how the creatures are being born during this time. We saw baby turtles, baby gators, new fish. Hell, that state park even had a natural spring (aquifer) you can swim in. It was hella cold, but it’s that way year around. We plan to go back there again before Spring is over and hike the area some or a lot. He also wants me to take up my hobby again.. photography. That place is great for taking pictures. The beauty of nature right now is at it’s best. We also plan to head out to the beach once the temps reach the 80s all day. He doesn’t like the beach much, but will go for me. I just love having an active boyfriend who is willing to try new things and go places to try to have a little fun. Oh, and I went swimming in his fresh clean pool this past Sunday! 🙂

Alright, I have to be honest. I am loving it again being in a city. You are close to everything. My boyfriend is 30 minutes (less on days with good traffic) from Universal and Island of Adventure, malls, state parks, events. He and I are trying not to rush things, but with the way things are I am seeing myself moving to Orlando before the year is over. I am just getting burnt out on this small town. Nothing to do here and you would have to drive over 40 minutes to even get anywhere, even if it’s just to the movies. Plus, work is not getting anywhere either or better. I am in a rut. It is like I am stuck going in circles in that place. So, I will have to quit and find something else in the city, or transfer to another store and hope that place is a little better. Just living here is not doing it for me. Feels like I am missing out on life staying here. I think I am at a point in my life to where, not only am I ready to settle down, but to have a real life. All I know is, being with him, I am coming out of my shell and want to see the world. ❤

I am trying to mentally keep positive on things. Try not let fear or nerves talk me out of doing what I know in the long run be good for me. I know I will upset some people or make them mad if I leave etc. It will though show me who are my true friends and will be supportive. Anywho, I need to get some cleaning done around here then I am off to work. If you all like to chat with me or keep tabs on other things I am doing, you can do that by following me on twitter and instagram. I am on them a lot more than I am on here. Talk to you all later! 🙂

Twitter: @CuriousSpirit
Instagram: Curiousangel81

-A





Dear John (Part 2)

12 11 2013

Dear Butthead,

It’s been over a week. I am oddly calm. It’s like I don’t feel anything right now. I don’t know if I am numb, or I actually don’t feel anything. At least right now anyway. I keep wondering why I am the way I am feeling. Then I come to understand maybe I am just in survival mode. That I am just going through stages to move on. While at the same time, learning more about myself and that all of this will make me grow into a better person. I still don’t hate you, that I do know for sure. People still believe I should have such hate and want to make your life miserable. I just don’t hate you and I don’t want to make you  miserable. Then I got to thinking, why do I not hate you when everyone is saying I should!?

 

I don’t hate anyone. Only their actions.  From what I know about your past and what you have gone through, you let what hatred people swing your way, if it by a relative or stranger or someone you know, you let it eat at you. You believe what they tell you. If someone calls you a loser, you believe it. If someone tells you, “you are crap and you wont amount to anything!” you believe it. You take that pain and hatred for yourself and you dish it out and look for people to make you feel different. Of course, that lands you to have more than one woman at a time. To feel that love, or to have someone fill that void even if it’s for a short period of time. The only person who can fill that void is yourself. It’s like I said in my last entry. You will never be fully happy and content until you learn to truly love yourself and respect yourself. Until you can do that, you will always do destructive behavior and take good people down with you.

I know right now, you are probably annoyed or a little pissed with what I am saying, but if what I am saying is wrong, you wouldn’t be upset or the fact you are sitting there right now feeling worse cause I am probably one of the few that honestly gets you and understands you. Now I know, you will run this off to your warden and you are going to talk big and bad, trash talk about what I am saying and about me to look big and bad to her, but that is a classic reaction to anything you do right now. She might think she has won, by putting you on lock down from speaking to any of your exes or just to me. Which is a classic sign of being insecure and jealousy. Cause remember, we allowed you to talk to your ex’s while with any of us, cause we were going to give you the benefit of the doubt and give you breathing room to get our trust back. What she is doing is only going to make things worse for the both of you in the long run. I don’t hate her either, just feel sorry for her. An it’s like I said, you better pray and hope she is worth it and is the one, cause what she doesn’t realize, whatever lines you feed her right now to make her feel better are the same lines you fed us. Cause if I or anyone of your ex’s still run across your mind (more than once a day) and you feel regretful, maybe you need to be honest with yourself and her, that you are just not ready to settle down or be serious cause you still care in ways you don’t want to admit.  Either way, I wish you both the best and I have no hard feelings towards either one.

I can go on forever like this, but I think you and the world get what I am saying. I still love you, and always will. Why? Cause I see the good in you. I see the love and loyalty in you. Just until you can truly love yourself, you can never feel such amazing love from being loyal to someone. The contentment you get out of that is the most amazing feeling ever. I will never forget you though. I will wonder if you are ok and if your happy. But I am sticking to never being able to trust you again, at least with my heart. I do mean it, once the warden releases the chains on you, I don’t mind being friends and civil (also doing that for your brothers sanity in all this.). You know how to get a hold of me.

I want to be single for a while. It will do me some good. Learn to trust people, and surround me with good people and live my life. Plus, I need to mentally work on myself. I am good person, so.. I forgive you. Take care of yourself butthead.

Sincerely,

Beavis

 





Wow. Been awhile, eh?

26 10 2013

I am so sorry for the lack of updates. So many things has happened. I am single, but we are working on getting back together. I am struggling with money. Work is stressful like usual. I just been all over the place, mentally anyway.  Mainly, struggling with income. After bills, I have a few dollars left. Its sad really. I can’t get another job, cause of the unpredictable schedule of my current job. Which got me thinking, about how to try to earn money on the side even if its just a hundred bucks and I went online and I found a way to be a affiliate with  CafePress.com (you can click the link below). It’s pretty simple. You get 15% commission on any sales the person made by clicking your banner. Easy right? Well, I am going to give it a shot, what do I have to lose?  If you are interested in doing this too, just visit the link below and click the link “sell”. It will walk you through it, just make sure you read the fine print. Anyway, I will be back soon. Promise.

I am just to tired to think right. Talk to you all soon. 🙂

-A





Why Me?

24 01 2013

As I sit here, I am left wondering if I have enough strength to release all the emotional cluster-fuck that has happen the past 2 weeks. For starters, I am officially now living in my new place full-time. Granted, I have a lot of stuff to go through and throw out still. I found myself with a lot of memories seeing some of my things I haven’t seen in a long time. Anywhere from old childhood friends to old boyfriends. It’s then I realized, I hang onto the past too much. I sat on the floor at the old house thinking, “Wow! Why do I have all these?”.  Some of the things I found I will keep, cause those were good memories, happy ones. The rest, I will find the nearest trash can. Yet, I just put them in the box and not in the trash. WHY? I mean, WTF? I keep finding reasons to hang onto them. I don’t know if it’s because I want to dig into why I am the way I am. Cause I was always told that the past shapes you to WHO you are today.

 

I just been so lost for some reason lately. Been having a nervous stomach and even in some cases, lack of sleep. It’s like I have a deep feeling something is going to happen. It comes in waves and it gets to a point where I get a little weak when I stand up. I am fine now. Just seem so bored and alone at the moment. Everywhere I turned, I see couples and people being happy. I mean hell, what happened to my drive to turn my life around? I told myself on New Years, “New Year, New Beinginng” and yet, I am letting my past and stupid shit get to me and hold me back a little. Yet, a little part inside me is yelling at me, keep marching girl. Keep pushing to where you need to be. Kinda hard, with having so much other buzz going on and not being able to have the guts to yell shut up and leave me alone for a while! I never have the time to clear my head or do something that helps clear my head. It’s always something right now. It’s like I am standing still, and everyone is throwing things at me and yelling and I can’t move to safety. I just want to disappear sometimes. Hell, what am I saying,…yes, I need to disappear for a while. Like, with no outside contact. No phone, people or internet. I don’t have the guts to do that, but  I could use a vacation. But only to somewhere where it is quiet and away from everything and everyone. I will even settle for a road trip without pain or worry. Just want to be somewhere where it’s quiet.

 

I need to breath and get myself together. I can’t seem to get myself on the right path… mentally, physically and emotionally. Only place that I can get my mind to even find peace is in the mountains and hills. The past 12 hours I have been having this snagging feeling, I just need to go. I mean, everything is spoiling over and with no outlet, I am finding myself the need to just withdraw. I just don’t know what to do anymore! I just need to find a way out or some of the emotional pain I am in. Which is hard to do when you are an emotional person and wear your heart and love on your sleeves. Alright, to be honest I am a very sensitive person. I am just a mess.

 

I am ending this, at least for tonight. It’s 12:18 a.m…. I can’t think any further, so to be continued…

-A





The End of 2012.

28 12 2012

Alright, I am blogging when I am on meds and tired. So, this might be a very interesting blog, lol. Well, in a few days, it will be 2013.  The next few days will be busy for me. For starters, I am moving into a new place. Which means, I will be starting the new year in a new place and enviroment. Now let’s hope the money will flow nicely enough to keep this place. Also, I should be having a New Years date. I just hope things follow through so it can happen. I like him a lot. An I hope he truly shows up or can make it, cause only lord knows how it will end up. I think that is a great start, to a new year and life, right? I mean, I think I earned it damn it. I went to emotional hell the past 4 months. Not to mention, home life wasn’t really fun either. Which is why we/I moved.  So,we will see what happens.

I will say that 2012 taught me  that I need to be careful with  who I let close to my life. Specially when it comes to love. That I am way to caring and getting my hopes up in expecting something back in return. Not to mention, trusting people without having them prove themselves. You know like that saying goes, “Action speak louder than words!”. I always said I lived by that motto and I think I need to back up my words and follow through on that  by making sure people do it and expect nothing less. An if you can’t follow through, there is the door. I am not wasting anymore energy and time on people who will not show me they are real and serious, most of all worth my time. Cause if you back up your words and show me you are REAL, then I will give you back what you put in 10 fold. People have to fight for me for a change. I will NOT go running after someone. I am too good for that. I know that sounds self-centered, but I get told all the time I am worth so much more than I let happen to me. Thinking about it, they are right. I just have to be strong-willed and somewhat a bitch to make sure it happens.

So buckle up 2013 I am going to ride you like a bull on crazy pills. I am going to travel, try new things and keep on a path of a healthy life. Most of all, finding my true happy place. I can do this. An I will find out who my true friends are when I go on this path. Yes, there will be sad and stressful times, but that is part of life. I will just learn from it and push through. Ok…. I think my meds are really kicking in. So, I wish you all a Happy New Year and I hope good things come your way. Talk to you all next year!! 🙂

-A





Being Labeled.

12 12 2012

One thing I hate with a passion is people labeling me something I am NOT.  Usually, it wouldn’t bug me so much if it came from strangers, cause they don’t know me and I don’t give a fuck about what they think and say. It’s the ones that know me or “claim” to know me to label me.  I am not clingy! Maybe you take my actions the wrong way, but I swear on a stack of bibles I am NOT FUCKING CLINGY!!  I mean, for someone who claims to know me so well, you apparently got the wrong impression and to use it against me too which is just so low. It’s very hurtful, cause you trust this person and you thought they would never hurt you. Hell, they promised they wouldn’t. Do I have a target on my forehead that says, “Let’s pretend to know her, get her to like and trust you and then BAM.” I am so sick and tired of people, specially the ones I trust, hurting me. I just have to just chalk this up to being more careful with who I let close to me. I guess I will have to put that on my new years resolution list.

 

Something has to change. Either I do, or the people I let in my life or let go the ones that hurt me now out of my life. I don’t deserve this.  I am worth a lot more than what I get.  I don’t know what I do wrong to have people to think the wrong things about me. I will have to really sit back and dissect my actions before I release it out to the world. Protect my heart and my sanity. An if the people I come across are truly interested in ME, they will never slap labels or assume things about me. Most of all, fight me on wanting me and getting to know me. I know my worth and if they are worth it, I will fight along beside them. I never claim to be perfect. I am an emotional person. When I am mad or really hurt, my actions are totally the opposite of who I am. I always had problems with venting or anything like that. So, everything comes out totally wrong and not what I was going for. Hell, I just need to stop trying to get people to see the person I really am and stop being so emotional, and find other ways to have an outlet. Like on here.

 

Hell, I do feel a lot better letting out my thoughts and feelings on here. Granted, you all are strangers who read this, but I think it’s better sometimes to have someone who completely doesn’t know you, met you or care about you to maybe see where you go wrong. Cause when you are mentally clouded with pain, anger and worry you don’t see as clearly as Joe Blow down the street does.  So, I am asking you, my readers to tell me where you see I go wrong! Please. What can I do, to stop myself from getting into so much pain? Be honest! Could it be I am over reacting or am I being to nice and letting this situation walk all over me, again? I am a strong person, yet I let everything and everyone hurt me when they have a chance. I just have a feeling I will become a serious royal bitch if I put all my walls back up to everyone. I guess, that is the best way to weed out the ones who truly cares, right?

 

Best part of it all. My “brother” and I are going to go off the grid for a little while sometime early next year. Maybe taken another close friend or two who can go, and just disappear. We both have gone through some rough emotional patches in our lives, that we feel we just need to get away just to think clearly. Away from the daily grind and stress. Just go somewhere we never been or go somewhere where we feel comfortable to be in our skin. No computers, no cells..well we will have cellphones, just will be off. It’s so needed. Just totally utterly, disappear. I am going to take it as an adventure of a life time and life changing. I need this and I am going to do it, I don’t care what it takes.

 

Well, anyway, it’s 12-12-12. I hope today brings me strength and luck. This probably be my last entry of the year, considering how often I really update. So, I wish you all a very merry christmas and a happy new year. Later.

-A