Happy New Year! :)

27 01 2014

Hey everyone…

No worries, I am alive and well. Happy at that too. I don’t have the¬†time at this moment to give you all the juicy updates. I will say this. When you think positively, good things happen. I promise to update soon! Talk to you all soon! ūüôā

 

-A





Dear John (Part 2)

12 11 2013

Dear Butthead,

It’s been over a week. I am oddly calm. It’s like I don’t feel anything right now. I don’t know if I am numb, or I actually don’t feel anything. At least right now anyway. I keep¬†wondering¬†why I am the way I am feeling. Then I come to understand maybe I am just in survival mode. That I am just going through stages to move on. While at the same time, learning more about myself and that all of this will make me grow into a better person. I still don’t hate you, that I do know for sure. People still believe I should have such hate and want to make your life miserable. I just don’t hate you and I don’t want to make you¬† miserable. Then I got to thinking, why do I not hate you when everyone is saying I should!?

 

I don’t hate anyone. Only their actions.¬† From¬†what I know about your past and what you have gone through, you let what hatred people swing your way, if it by a relative or stranger or someone you know, you let it eat at you. You believe what they tell you. If someone calls you a loser, you believe it. If someone tells you, “you are crap and you wont amount to anything!” you believe it. You take that pain and hatred¬†for yourself and you dish it out and look for people to make you feel different. Of course, that lands you to have more than one woman at a time. To feel that love, or to have someone fill that void even if it’s for a short period of time. The only person who can fill that void is yourself. It’s like I said in my last entry. You will never be fully happy and content until you learn to truly love yourself and respect yourself. Until you can do that, you will always do destructive behavior and take good people down with you.

I know right now, you are probably annoyed or a little pissed with what I am saying, but if what I am saying is wrong, you wouldn’t be upset or the fact you are sitting there right now feeling worse cause I am probably one of the few that honestly gets you and understands you. Now I know, you will run this off to your warden and you are going to talk big and bad, trash talk about what I am saying and about me to look big and bad to her, but that is a classic reaction to anything you do right now. She might think she has won, by putting you on lock down from speaking to any of your exes¬†or just to me. Which is a classic sign of being¬†insecure¬†and jealousy. Cause remember, we allowed you to talk to your¬†ex’s¬†while with any of us, cause we were going to give you the benefit of the doubt¬†and give you breathing room to get our trust back. What she is doing is only going to make things worse for the both of you in the long run. I don’t hate her either, just feel sorry for her. An it’s like I said, you better pray and hope she is worth it and is the one, cause what she doesn’t realize, whatever lines you feed her right now to make her feel better are the same lines you fed us. Cause if I or anyone of your¬†ex’s¬†still run across your mind (more than¬†once a day) and you feel regretful, maybe you need to be honest with yourself and her, that you are just not ready to settle down or be serious cause you still care in ways you don’t want to admit.¬† Either way, I wish you both the best and I have no hard feelings towards either one.

I can go on forever like this, but I think you and the world get what I am saying. I still love you, and always will. Why? Cause I see the good in you. I see the love and loyalty in you. Just until you can truly love yourself, you can never feel such amazing love from being loyal to someone. The contentment you get out of that is the most amazing feeling ever. I will never forget you though. I will wonder if you are ok and if your happy. But I am sticking to never being able to trust you again, at least with my heart. I do mean it, once the warden releases the chains on you, I don’t mind being friends and civil (also doing that for your brothers sanity in all this.). You know how to get a hold of me.

I want to be single for a while. It will do me some good. Learn to trust people, and surround me with good people and live my life. Plus, I need to mentally work on myself. I am good person, so.. I forgive you. Take care of yourself butthead.

Sincerely,

Beavis

 





Dear John (Part 1)

4 11 2013

Dear Butthead,

I guess it has come down to this. I don’t even know if you are even going to read this or not, and I guess that is ok. I at least will have the world as my witness. I am not hear to bash, I am not here to make you feel worse (if you even feel bad at all).I am just going to say it as it is. From speaking to a few people and showing them all the proof from the very first time we really started talking. They agreed I need to do this (mostly for myself of course).

 

What you do to girls is wrong. Lying, deceiving, disrespecting¬†and cheating on them is so wrong on soooo¬†many levels. It destroys so many lives and leaves girls jaded and mistrusting of any other good real man out there. YOU CAN’T DO THAT TO GIRLS! An from¬†speaking to other girls you have done this to over the course of just this year alone, we all agree that you can’t feel loved or important unless you get the attention from more than one girl at a time. Until you realize you need to learn to love being alone and love yourself, you will continue to do what you have been doing. If you see it or agree with it or not, you will. An WE¬†ALL know¬†that with her “grounding you” (aka lockdown) is only going to hold you back for so long. You know deep down you will be seeking attention else where eventually, if you haven’t done so already. Cause locking you down, is like keeping a lion in a very small cage, it will only destroy you (and I am not the only one who agrees with this, specially from those who known you for sooo long).

 

Here is what makes me the better person and tells me, I’m going to be ok. I don’t hate you hun. Maybe it’s the love I will always have¬†for you or maybe I know deep down once you truly and honestly hit rock bottom, and grow into the man you are meant to be. I will have my days, where I am going to miss you or when I eat mac and cheese I am going to think of you or hear our song and think of you. Hell honestly, I miss our little conversations and I guess I will until time slowly numbs out that pain. Don’t get me wrong, I am very hurt, disappointed and very pissed off at you and will be for a while. An like everything else, time will also wash that away. One thing I do know is, I can never trust you again. Ever. Your chance of having that country life and other things we talked about (if that was even real and honest from your end) has sailed. This last blow up, was the last straw for me. I’M DONE. Everything is gone. So you better hope she was/is worth it. Now, I am open to being civil and just friends, sometime in the future. Right now, I need me some ME time. I need to work on myself and that is a journey of one.

 

¬†With¬†some time passing I am going to go look for love. Real honest and deep love. I know I am worth loyalty. I am worth the kept promises, I am worth the attention, I am worth the respect. I am worth the passion. I am worth everything real honest love has to offer. AN BY GOD, I FUCKING DESERVE IT! An I am taking everything that has happen has a sign that it was meant to happen. Cause everything happens for a reason. I am going to be honest, there are a few out there that told me to seek revenge. But I am not. It’s childish, high school-ish and just more drama. So not my seen. Besides, karma has a funny way of always doing the dirty work. Might not be tomorrow, next week or 6 months from now, but what goes around comes around. You will have that ah-ha moment, the REAL ah-ha moment.¬†You know what I mean by that. But I will say this, It’s like the song by Mariah Carey called “Someday”..

“You were so blind to let me go
You had it all but didn’t know
No one you’ll ever find will be
Closer to all your dreams than me
Believing the grass would be greener
¬†You told yourself, “I just don’t need her now”
But I know you’ll soon discover
You’re never satisfied with any other”

Look up the song to hear the rest.. it’s a song that been at my side since it came out. Anyhow, that is all.. for now. I am sure I will do another letter. For now I wish you all the best and wish things get better for you. Good-Bye.

Sincerely,
 Beavis





Wow. Been awhile, eh?

26 10 2013

I am so sorry for the lack of updates. So many things has happened. I am single, but we are working on getting back together. I am struggling with money. Work is stressful like usual. I just been all over the place, mentally anyway.  Mainly, struggling with income. After bills, I have a few dollars left. Its sad really. I can’t get another job, cause of the unpredictable schedule of my current job. Which got me thinking, about how to try to earn money on the side even if its just a hundred bucks and I went online and I found a way to be a affiliate with  CafePress.com (you can click the link below). It’s pretty simple. You get 15% commission on any sales the person made by clicking your banner. Easy right? Well, I am going to give it a shot, what do I have to lose?  If you are interested in doing this too, just visit the link below and click the link “sell”. It will walk you through it, just make sure you read the fine print. Anyway, I will be back soon. Promise.

I am just to tired to think right. Talk to you all soon. ūüôā

-A





YouTube, Summer and Fitness..OH MY!

30 05 2013

Hello my fellow readers. I come to you all today with the thought of wanting to break out of my box. What I mean is, I have¬†been inspired to do more YouTube videos. Granted, I don’t really have videos up now, just sound bites from my “ghost hunt” two years ago from a local cemetery . Now that I have been for the past week on Google+ and YouTube, watching people do these odd adventures, travels and investigations, I want to do the same. I’m not looking to get popular, but to show the world, life through my eyes. Just I need to find my HD Flip Camcorder and my digital recorder (for those investigations). I will use my good digital camera that as 3D option for my high def videos. What I need from you, my readers, are¬†suggestions and ideas for videos and to where I¬† go to edit my videos and sound bits. Any help will be appreciated (on the bottom of this post will be ways to get ahold of me).

 

Alright, I am also on Google+ now.  I am still learning how to use this thing. It gets so damn confusing. Specially being that I am still a lot on Facebook. I am sending myself reminders to check my Google account at least once a week. I will do it more often  when I start really get responses and things like that.  So, if you  like to be friends with me on Google+, I will post a link on the bottom this, if I do it right. If not, just send me a comment on here and I will send it to you. I promise I am not a spammer or anything like that, lol.

 

Alright, it’s summer and I am really getting back into fitness. An knowing¬†my track record for never finishing my goals cause of either money or time (ok ok, more like lack of will power, lol) . I done a little research and I find that being on Pinterest¬†(yes I am on that too, lol). I am finding easy healthy¬† and CHEAP ways to keep on a diet, and getting work out tips. Now, if you are like me and right now can’t find time for the gym or can’t afford a membership, but have an iPhone, download the app “Ab works” its a¬†red and white icon with a person doing a sit-up and it’s free. It¬†gives you detail instructions on how to do a proper sit-ups/crunches and butt work outs. You can do all of these at home privately.¬†You do have the options to upgrade that app if you chose for $3.99 and get other work out tips and dieting tips. It’s a great app, and I plan to do some work outs after I am done here.

 

Otherwise, things for me have been going alright. Still kind of struggling on the money side, but I am making it work with what I have for the time being. I am still dating (we will call him Mr. C). One thing I love about being with him is that no matter what, if were to have a “fight”, we always seem to talk it out, learn and grow. Which makes me feel content with the fact, we can make it through anything if the love is there. He and I still talk daily, text like crazy and talk on the phone. I guess you can say he is becoming also¬†my best friend! ‚̧ So, all around, I am happy for the time being. Anyway, I will catch you all again soon. Just don’t forget to check out the links below. Thanks again! Talk to you all later!! ūüôā

YouTube Channel: http://www.youtube/user/allykitty1981 (just remember, if you like it, to subscribe and thumbs up on my videos. Plus, I need suggestions for new videos…HELP!!)

Google+ : https://plus.google.com/u/0/117221000940996866330/posts

Contact info: fadedkitty81@hotmail.com (put “YouTube suggestions and stuff” in the subject line!)

-A





Oh my word!

30 04 2013

Wow¬† it’s been a while hasn’t it? I’m sorry about that. So much has happened and I really don’t know where to start. Ok, so I guess you I can say, as you know in my pervious blogs, I said I have moved to a better place, right? Well, now I realized that it was the best move I ever made (with my mother of course). Only because here, even though we can be struggling sometimes, we are happier. We now can do things without have such negativity¬†around. For example, if my mother wants to go out with friends, she can go out without¬†getting the backlash from doing so, or simply just even watching what SHE wants on tv without a fight breaking out. It’s things like that! For me, it’s the freedom of being able to have people over and go where ever I want without having to come back late at night and not worry about getting chewed out the next morning. Here its sheer freedom. Now, if we could get more income, it would be awesome! We are working on it though.

 

Overall things are going ok. I have started to surround myself with good positive people. Honest and real friends. Hell, not to long ago I got home from hanging out with my two best friends. We went shopping and had lunch, it was wonderful. Next week before one of my best friends goes back to school, we are¬† going try to head to the beach for the first time for the season. I’m stoked! Granted, I will probably be sunburned, but it will be worth it to relax to the sound of the ocean and sun. Hell, I will probably start reading a new book while I am there. I’m just enjoying the new life I have going for myself here. Still have steps to take to feel more complete, but I rather enjoy the journey instead of rushing to get to that point. My friends and I have so many things planned for the summer. Well, ok maybe not so many, but a few. Just actually feels good to have a social life. HA!

 

Ok confession! I am starting to date a younger guy and what I mean by younger, by more than 5 years younger! For once in my life, I don’t care what others think about this relationship (granted not a lot of people know yet, just a few).¬† I don’t look my age, so it looks like we are the same age. He makes me really happy right now. We can’t go a day without talking to one another, even if it’s just texting. We are taking it slow and yes, there are some bumps we will have to get over, but so far we seem to get a long well enough to where we talk things out. Grow from it and get stronger. I can honestly also say, he is one of my best friends. I can tell him anything and he is just there for me and listens. I love it. We laugh a lot and our personality matches up, so mentally and emotionally we work out great. The physical part we are waiting on. Why? Well, I work a lot and he lives an hour away and can get busy too. So, finding time at this very moment is not easy. Although, I am going to take a weekend to see him next month. Ahhh ok.. I am gushing now! I will shut up sorry! lol

 

Well, there you have the updates. I will do my best to update more again in the future. Promise!! ūüôā Later all.

-A





Why Me?

24 01 2013

As I sit here, I am left wondering if I have enough strength to release all the emotional cluster-fuck that has happen the past 2 weeks. For starters, I am officially¬†now living in my new place full-time. Granted, I have a lot of stuff to go through and throw out still.¬†I found myself with a lot of memories seeing some of my things I haven’t seen in a long time. Anywhere from old childhood friends to old boyfriends. It’s then I realized, I hang onto the past too much. I sat on the floor at the old house thinking, “Wow! Why do I have all these?”.¬† Some of the things I found I will keep, cause those were good memories, happy ones. The rest, I will find the nearest trash can. Yet, I just put them in the box and not in the trash. WHY? I mean, WTF? I keep finding reasons to hang onto them. I don’t know if it’s because I want to dig into why I am the way I am. Cause I was always told that the past shapes you to WHO you are today.

 

I just been so lost for some reason lately. Been having a nervous stomach and even in some cases, lack of sleep. It’s like I have a deep feeling something is going to happen. It comes in waves and it gets to a point where I get a little weak when I stand up. I am fine now. Just seem so bored and alone at the moment. Everywhere I turned, I see couples and people being happy. I mean hell, what happened to my drive to turn my life around? I told myself on New Years, “New Year, New Beinginng” and yet, I am letting my past and stupid shit get to me and hold me back a little. Yet, a little part inside me is yelling at me, keep marching girl. Keep pushing to where you need to be. Kinda hard, with having so much other buzz going on and not being able to have the guts to yell shut up and leave me alone for a while! I never have the time to clear my head or do something that helps clear my head. It’s always something right now. It’s like I am standing still, and everyone is throwing things at me and yelling and I can’t move to safety. I just want to disappear sometimes. Hell, what am I saying,…yes, I need to disappear for a while. Like, with no outside contact. No phone, people or internet. I don’t have the guts to do that, but¬† I could use a vacation. But only to somewhere where it is quiet and away from everything and everyone. I will even settle for a road trip without pain or worry. Just want to be somewhere where it’s quiet.

 

I need to breath and get myself together. I can’t seem to get myself on the right path… mentally, physically and emotionally. Only place that I can get my mind to even find peace is in the mountains¬†and hills. The past 12 hours I have been having this snagging feeling, I just need to go. I mean, everything is¬†spoiling over and with no outlet, I am finding myself the need to just withdraw. I just don’t know what to do anymore! I just need to find a way out or some of the emotional pain I am in. Which is hard to do when you are an emotional person and wear your heart and love on your sleeves. Alright, to be honest I am a very sensitive person. I am just a mess.

 

I am ending this, at least for tonight. It’s 12:18 a.m…. I can’t think any further, so to be continued…

-A