Soul Search?

23 03 2015

How do you say how you feel when you never were given the chance to speak? I am sensitive person, so when I get shut down, I withdraw, and depending on how much might I have at the time inside I will say something, otherwise, I shut up. Is that a flaw? Was I born this way? Was I meant to walk this life being silent? Well, I don’t want to be quiet anymore. I want to scream from roof tops and mountain tops with no care in the world what anyone thinks and feels. I try not to let what people say get to me, specially if its critical and judgmental statements. Specially if they do not know me at all. Just it’s hard when all the harshness comes from someone you care about. Then of course then they say, “I am not saying this to be mean, but..”, well then why say it? I mean, come on! Yes, sometimes tough love or that judgmental push or giving someone the truth is needed at times. Just there are a people out there that are just there to belittle you. Make you feel small and worthless. It took me a long time to realize people like that are not worth my time to be nice too or have in my life. It’s pure toxic. Then you realize, you are alone or feel alone cause you don’t have anyone¬† to hear you scream. Then what do you do?

I realized the past few days that even though I feel like I am open to the world, I am really not. I don’t know if I am doing that to protect myself from that toxic or from everyone. Some people might take this as soul-searching. To me that is a different. I know who I am, what I can do and capable of. I just have to find the strength to just have it all come out. Let the world see what they have been missing. Thinking about it though, I should start out slow. Like I am learning to walk all over again. An when there is someone there to help me, let them with the side of caution. I have learned to let them prove to you that they are worth your time, energy and support. Let them earn that key to your soul to help you shine. An if they screw up in your eyes, don’t give second chances. Heh, I am bad at that, too. Giving second chances. I guess I need to be very selective on that as well. I guess everyone is work in progress. Fuck, you know what? I just need to stop worrying about stepping on egg shells around people and living in the past. Learn from it, and grow. I am all over the place with this, aren’t I? lol. That’s my mind for you!

Life is an adventure. Everyone has their own path, own struggle and lessons to learn. We all have a part in this world, so we all need to buckle up and ride this life to the fullest. Hell, I am prepared to take my kicks when I am down, but when I get up, I will swing back harder. I know why I am here, do you? ūüėČ

-A

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True One. Part One.

5 09 2012

Well…shit. Ok, so I didn’t post anything before my trip, sorry! Just the few days leading up to the trip it got busy. An truthfully, I am still adjusting not being on vacation and I got back on the 31st. I am trying really hard not to¬†say “fuck it!!” and¬†drop everything and run back. Seeing him was just natural. Wasn’t nervous once or scared.¬†The surrounding enviroment was¬†peaceful. I didn’t get one stress¬†chest pain.¬†I was relaxed and willing¬†and wanting to learn everything I could as I was with him. I¬† mean, I felt utterly safe and content. I am going back as soon as work lets me.

 

The love I felt is strong. Makes me miss him a lot. I am honestly lost for words when it comes to my trip. I didn’t¬†even take a whole lot of pictures either. Just the memories, emotions and smell is still very strong. Not a lot of words were spoken either. I mean we did talk a lot, but when it came to how we felt, we didn’t¬†have to say much. We just knew and were in the moment. He lives in the moment and goes with what he feels. He doesn’t second guess himself. I love him for all that he is. I accept¬†him. I don’t want to change one thing about him. What makes me feel settled with him (if that is the right word) is he¬†took me as I am. No make up and wasn’t shy in touching me. An I am self-conscious about my body, but he loves me. I mean, I have to be dreaming here. I am so not going to rush this with him. One day at a time and enjoy every second of it.

 

We are both still sacred cause we been hurt badly before, but in finding the “true one” is never easy and when you find it, you do what it takes to make sure it’s done right. To physically be together for good, we both have to take care of things that were there before we met. So, slow it is. I told him, I am willing to go at the pace he wants to go. Hell, if he were to ask me to move up there right now, I would do it. But I know he is wanting to take care of things first and then when the time and moment is right, he will ask in his own way.¬† Sadly, even though I am here at home, it doesn’t feel like home¬†after being there and with him. Cause home is where the heart is. So, in a nutshell….

I am in love. Happy. Safe. Content. Alive.

-A





I’m Alive.. I Think.

19 08 2012

Never fear, I’m alive. Just a lot has gone on and been too tired to put¬†the words together. Like my mind has¬†been on vacation to escape it all. Also, been trying to get things together for my trip next Saturday only to have obstacles to be placed in front¬†of me. Like yesterday, my engine¬†light on my car came on. An this¬†little town you have to wait until during the week to get your car worked on cause they are closed on weekends. Which sucks! An I am not going tomorrow. Cause it’s my birthday and I am not going to be sitting at a garage in this heat. I will drop it off early Tuesday morning and pray that its very fixable and I can get it fixed before next Saturday.

Oh! There is more stress to tell. As usual, work as been a huge boil on my ass. The drama, gossip, back stabbing and politics¬†in the place would make a soap opera¬†look like child play. Specially being that my two best friends and I are being singled out cause we speak out on things, so they are making life a little harder at work. Basically more for my friend Maggie then for my other friend and I. We are just given a hard time for guilty by association. Just wrong. Makes getting up for work just dreadful and mentally draining. I know, I need a new job, but it’s hard to find¬†one when no one is hiring that is in driving distance. Besides with my car being a pain, it’s going to be rough.

I’m just praying the rest of the week goes smoothly and no drama or extra stress. I just want to get on that plane on Saturday and escape this all for 6 wholes days. I know it’s going to be long four days before my trip, but I am getting on that plane if it kills. I need this time away to get myself together and maybe finally find love again. So, pray for me.

Anyway, like I said,  tomorrow is my birthday and I will be going out with my little family here in Florida and going to dinner at the cheesecake factory. I will update one more time before Saturday. I am still debating if I am going to take my laptop with me or not. I will have my iPhone to update if I really need to. For now, I need to do inventory on my cloths, wash some cloths and move money around so I can make sure I have some money to get my car fixed. Later.

-A