A Souls Journey

25 03 2015

Ahhh..love. Love is one thing in life we all crave, if we realize it or not or want it. We walk through life feeling the ups and downs of emotions of love that just can rip the very soul out of our body’s. Make us go so numb that everything goes totally silent in us. Our being, strength and light seems to go blind. We are lost. Dreaming of the day we can feel the warmth of complete acceptance, life and seeing the world in the heart of the one person you can’t breathe without. You are drawn to their light and energy. Yet, for some out there, they seem scared to feel again. Scared their soul will be crushed into nothing. Give up more or less. They walk on this earth pretending to be ok, to make excuses to why they are alone. In deep denial that they are lonely and eager to walk this earth with a force that make them feel like a king or a queen.

To me love is you can look someone in the eyes and the whole world melts away. You float in the air of such peace that every pain, scars and doubt washes away. That only thing that matters is the one heart between you is beating. That you feel something more than love and that word hasn’t even been invented in our life time on earth or before time. Question I have for you is, is there such a love? Is it all a dream? Fantasy? Shit, is it only in the movies? Question you have to ask yourself is, is love worth the risk of getting hurt (again)? Some say, getting hurt is the only way to know you were ever alive. That you can fight your way back to feeling your heart beat again. An you grow from your pain, but never stop loving. If you can stand in the rain with someone, and see their tears, you see them. You see their very soul and without realizing it your soul reaches out to theirs. It’s that moment of ah-ha. That moment where everything goes silent. I understand that everyone sees love differently and that they want to be alone cause they went through so much. I am not saying rush love, it will come to you if you let it. Sometimes it could be right in front of you already but you are totally blind to it. Being patient and letting yourself be open to feeling is a start. I was inspired by a friend to write about love. I see such a beautiful person. An even though we known each other for a short time, you can see he is crawling to love again. I see such love in him and huge burst of light that I wish I could stand in front of him and shake him awake and make him see.

He wants to be alone right now cause he been through so much. I understand that in more ways than you can imagine. He says he is not scared of love. He has been there for me in ways he can’t understand how much I appreciate it. He got me to open up in ways no one did for many years and got me to be me again. I don’t know how he did it, but I feel better talking to him sometimes. Basically, patiently not giving up on me. Making sure I shine and shine bright. So, in return, I am making sure he doesn’t give up whats shining in him and to be open to feeling something again for someone. If that person is Far away or close. To embrace the possibility of truly being ok again. Love again. I am not sure how I am going to do it, but the path to knowing how, will be me being patient with him. There are very few close friends in my life and I see him be in my life as long as he wants me in his. There is so much to say on this subject. I guess, it’s going to be one of those never-ending topics for me on here. If I can’t say what I want too in “person”, it will be in a letter form on here.

To be continued…

-A

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Finding Balance.

14 07 2012

Holy Batman. I am still being the biggest and the most laziest person probably on this planet!  I am not proud of this. Just it tells me I need to make changes and soon. I am going to hit the gym tomorrow morning early. Cause I haven’t been to the gym in a week. I know, I know! It’s awful. Just things are coming at me in million different directions ,all at once and it’s causing me to not to sleep well at night and waking up early not having the energy to push myself to get myself to the gym or to do anything is catching up to me fast. Hell, I have to push myself to get myself to work.  I am just mentally, spiritually and physically exhausted.

Work isn’t helping. It’s adding more stress than needed. I need to find balance. I need to do something or go somewhere to refocus and put myself back onto the right track. Luckily, I put in for some days off, and it was approved. So, that gives me 5 days of rest. Sadly, I am broker then a hell. Some how my money disappeared (actually from bills and going out with friends). So, I will have to take a rain check on going anywhere relaxing (don’t get me wrong, I will travel if it kills me).  Speaking of going somewhere, next month is my birthday and my mother asked me what I wanted. I told her I don’t really know yet. Then she says, how about for a few days we go visit your sister in Seattle and that would be my gift. I said, HELL YES! Now I just have to go put in for a paid vacation on my birthday week.

Speaking of birthdays. This upcoming Monday is my moms. An I am to damn broke to  give her anything. I feel so damn bad. She knows about it, but I am sure it upsets her a little. I have to somehow scrap together for at least a card, flowers and balloons. Hell, maybe if I can take out 60 bucks from my savings and take her to lunch. Something, so she knows I didn’t forget. Afterall, it’s my mom. You can’t forget about the woman who gave you life!

Been thinking about selling some stuff on eBay or something. Just to get some extra cash. Who knows, if I really put my hobby (photography) into swing I can sell some artsy pictures in frames or something.  It’s either that, or get a second job! I am just a hot mess right now.  For now, I need to find a way to seriously distress so I can figure out what to do next.

Stay tuned..

-A