Soul Search?

23 03 2015

How do you say how you feel when you never were given the chance to speak? I am sensitive person, so when I get shut down, I withdraw, and depending on how much might I have at the time inside I will say something, otherwise, I shut up. Is that a flaw? Was I born this way? Was I meant to walk this life being silent? Well, I don’t want to be quiet anymore. I want to scream from roof tops and mountain tops with no care in the world what anyone thinks and feels. I try not to let what people say get to me, specially if its critical and judgmental statements. Specially if they do not know me at all. Just it’s hard when all the harshness comes from someone you care about. Then of course then they say, “I am not saying this to be mean, but..”, well then why say it? I mean, come on! Yes, sometimes tough love or that judgmental push or giving someone the truth is needed at times. Just there are a people out there that are just there to belittle you. Make you feel small and worthless. It took me a long time to realize people like that are not worth my time to be nice too or have in my life. It’s pure toxic. Then you realize, you are alone or feel alone cause you don’t have anyone  to hear you scream. Then what do you do?

I realized the past few days that even though I feel like I am open to the world, I am really not. I don’t know if I am doing that to protect myself from that toxic or from everyone. Some people might take this as soul-searching. To me that is a different. I know who I am, what I can do and capable of. I just have to find the strength to just have it all come out. Let the world see what they have been missing. Thinking about it though, I should start out slow. Like I am learning to walk all over again. An when there is someone there to help me, let them with the side of caution. I have learned to let them prove to you that they are worth your time, energy and support. Let them earn that key to your soul to help you shine. An if they screw up in your eyes, don’t give second chances. Heh, I am bad at that, too. Giving second chances. I guess I need to be very selective on that as well. I guess everyone is work in progress. Fuck, you know what? I just need to stop worrying about stepping on egg shells around people and living in the past. Learn from it, and grow. I am all over the place with this, aren’t I? lol. That’s my mind for you!

Life is an adventure. Everyone has their own path, own struggle and lessons to learn. We all have a part in this world, so we all need to buckle up and ride this life to the fullest. Hell, I am prepared to take my kicks when I am down, but when I get up, I will swing back harder. I know why I am here, do you? 😉

-A