Soul Search?

23 03 2015

How do you say how you feel when you never were given the chance to speak? I am sensitive person, so when I get shut down, I withdraw, and depending on how much might I have at the time inside I will say something, otherwise, I shut up. Is that a flaw? Was I born this way? Was I meant to walk this life being silent? Well, I don’t want to be quiet anymore. I want to scream from roof tops and mountain tops with no care in the world what anyone thinks and feels. I try not to let what people say get to me, specially if its critical and judgmental statements. Specially if they do not know me at all. Just it’s hard when all the harshness comes from someone you care about. Then of course then they say, “I am not saying this to be mean, but..”, well then why say it? I mean, come on! Yes, sometimes tough love or that judgmental push or giving someone the truth is needed at times. Just there are a people out there that are just there to belittle you. Make you feel small and worthless. It took me a long time to realize people like that are not worth my time to be nice too or have in my life. It’s pure toxic. Then you realize, you are alone or feel alone cause you don’t have anyone¬† to hear you scream. Then what do you do?

I realized the past few days that even though I feel like I am open to the world, I am really not. I don’t know if I am doing that to protect myself from that toxic or from everyone. Some people might take this as soul-searching. To me that is a different. I know who I am, what I can do and capable of. I just have to find the strength to just have it all come out. Let the world see what they have been missing. Thinking about it though, I should start out slow. Like I am learning to walk all over again. An when there is someone there to help me, let them with the side of caution. I have learned to let them prove to you that they are worth your time, energy and support. Let them earn that key to your soul to help you shine. An if they screw up in your eyes, don’t give second chances. Heh, I am bad at that, too. Giving second chances. I guess I need to be very selective on that as well. I guess everyone is work in progress. Fuck, you know what? I just need to stop worrying about stepping on egg shells around people and living in the past. Learn from it, and grow. I am all over the place with this, aren’t I? lol. That’s my mind for you!

Life is an adventure. Everyone has their own path, own struggle and lessons to learn. We all have a part in this world, so we all need to buckle up and ride this life to the fullest. Hell, I am prepared to take my kicks when I am down, but when I get up, I will swing back harder. I know why I am here, do you? ūüėČ



Broken. Part 2.

31 10 2012

I must be totally numb cause I don’t really feel¬†broken at the moment. Then again, could it be I didn’t love him that much? Hell, I don’t know! I am still confused, angry.¬† Shit… who am I kidding. I don’t know what and how I feel right now. All I know is, I need to work on me.¬† An if that involves, not talking to talking to him or any other¬†males really, so be it. I actually haven’t spoken to him now in over a week. I am proud of myself. Usually, I would have by now been all over him demanding answers, etc and I haven’t. I left him alone like he requested. Well, honestly, I left him alone¬†for more like my sake and I wasn’t in the mood to deal with drama and lies. So,¬†I totally took the high road¬†and told myself to let it go (for now).¬† An giving¬†him the space and silence must be eating at him, cause at 6:41 a.m., he sent me a text about my¬†Kimono (yes I bought one cause I am interesting in learning self-defense, and he teaches) and¬† he was letting me know when he will be finally be able to send it to me, etc. Seeing is believing really, and I DID NOT REPLY¬†and don’t plan on it.¬†I just don’t really believe or trust anything he says right now, so it’s whatever. I give him another 7 days, and then¬†his roommate (who is my friend) says, “If he doesn’t send it, I will send it to you myself!”. He is not much of his roommate favorite either right now.

Speaking of roommate. His roommate and I have been talking a lot.¬† No,¬†it’s nothing like that, but being that we have that asshole in common, we just talk. We even stayed up very, very late one night talking on the phone. He is brutally honest and sweet. The kid (he is 21… What? Don’t judge!),¬† has a lot going on and is smart about the things he does. He has a good heart and can be trustworthy. He knows, I am not trusting any MALES at the moment and he respects that. I see myself being close friends for with for a long time. He is talented too. He can draw and plans to do tattoos. I am going to let him practice¬†on me, by doing a Hannah¬†tattoo. I just want to once in my life just see what a tattoo would look like on me. Hannah tattoos fade away over time, so it won’t stay.¬† I am going to get a butterfly on my shoulder-blade¬†or in between my shoulder blades. Don’t know. It will be a long time before it happens. I have to see him again for it to happen, or he will come down here on vacation and do it. He is a good guy and I see him being a very close friend of mine.

Overall, I am just going to try to be happy on my own and live my life the best way I can. I am going to try to look into online schools again and try to see whats out there.¬† I still don’t know what I am going to go to school for, but I will think of something. On Saturday my best friends and I are going to our friend Mike’s wedding and maybe who knows, we will hit the town afterwards. A lot of laughing and memories. I don’t know what I would do without my girls. They are supportive and caring, but if you were to do something totally stupid or something they don’t agree with, they will tell you and try to talk you out of it out of concern. They like are my voice of reason. An don’t get me wrong, they are also my partners in crime, lol. Work calls us, “Triple Trouble”. We just make people laugh and nervous cause we are a force to be messing with. lol.

Anyway, it’s Halloween and¬† I am going be home sick (YAY!! <–sarcasm). It’s ok, being curled up in bed watching scary movies, while the weather is cool/cold (yes Florida is getting the taste of fall/winter early) is not all that bad. So, you all enjoy your day, stay warm and safe! ūüôā




30 07 2012

No I wasn’t on one. An I did it again, didn’t I? Sorry, I didn’t mean to be MIA for a week again.¬† I just get so busy I totally forget to update this thing. I’m sure you all have done it once or twice yourself, right? Anyway, things the past week or so have been interesting to say the least. You know those list of things I need to get done? Well, I haven’t even touch that bitch of a list! Work and other crap, like, well ok just work. Just been nuts! Crazy hours where having a life of any kind is hanging with friends in the parking lot¬† after work. Sad ain’t it? Well, the good news is about 3 weeks ago, I put in to have this upcoming Thursday-Monday off. Which means, I can work on my list, hang out with friends and family!¬† Oh..maybe even finally get some damn sun! It’s sad, summer is almost over and I don’t even have a tiny bit of a tan. So so so damn sad.

I also decided¬†to do something, that even though my mother hates nor likes it, I am taking a trip at the end of August to see someone. It’s not like I don’t know¬†HIM, just haven’t met in person yet.¬† So, other than buying myself the new iPhone (it’s an upgrade¬†from the iPhone I have now) for my upcoming birthday, I’m treating myself to a vacation out-of-state. I need to get out of this town and state for a little while. Who knows, maybe I come back a new person? Hell, maybe come back¬† head over heals in love and with someone? Seeing this person I will learn some really cool things. I just have to get away from everyone and everything for one week. I am going crazy and wanting some self growth, I can’t do it here. If I don’t go see him and try some new adventures, I will regret it.¬† Booked my flight this morning.

I am so glad to have today off. Gives me a chance to make plans for my trip, get things done around here. Besides the weather is keeping me home bound¬†anyway.¬† I guess rain has its way of doing that doesn’t it?¬† OH, as for my work outs, sadly I have kinda been slacking in it. I know I know!¬† I saw my work schedule, and I see that I can go back to my normal work outs again. Afterall, I went this morning and I kicked it up a notch. SO HA!

Anyway. I am off to chill and wash some cloths and maybe go watch the Science channel. Later peeps!