Dear John (Part 2)

12 11 2013

Dear Butthead,

It’s been over a week. I am oddly calm. It’s like I don’t feel anything right now. I don’t know if I am numb, or I actually don’t feel anything. At least right now anyway. I keep wondering why I am the way I am feeling. Then I come to understand maybe I am just in survival mode. That I am just going through stages to move on. While at the same time, learning more about myself and that all of this will make me grow into a better person. I still don’t hate you, that I do know for sure. People still believe I should have such hate and want to make your life miserable. I just don’t hate you and I don’t want to make you  miserable. Then I got to thinking, why do I not hate you when everyone is saying I should!?

 

I don’t hate anyone. Only their actions.  From what I know about your past and what you have gone through, you let what hatred people swing your way, if it by a relative or stranger or someone you know, you let it eat at you. You believe what they tell you. If someone calls you a loser, you believe it. If someone tells you, “you are crap and you wont amount to anything!” you believe it. You take that pain and hatred for yourself and you dish it out and look for people to make you feel different. Of course, that lands you to have more than one woman at a time. To feel that love, or to have someone fill that void even if it’s for a short period of time. The only person who can fill that void is yourself. It’s like I said in my last entry. You will never be fully happy and content until you learn to truly love yourself and respect yourself. Until you can do that, you will always do destructive behavior and take good people down with you.

I know right now, you are probably annoyed or a little pissed with what I am saying, but if what I am saying is wrong, you wouldn’t be upset or the fact you are sitting there right now feeling worse cause I am probably one of the few that honestly gets you and understands you. Now I know, you will run this off to your warden and you are going to talk big and bad, trash talk about what I am saying and about me to look big and bad to her, but that is a classic reaction to anything you do right now. She might think she has won, by putting you on lock down from speaking to any of your exes or just to me. Which is a classic sign of being insecure and jealousy. Cause remember, we allowed you to talk to your ex’s while with any of us, cause we were going to give you the benefit of the doubt and give you breathing room to get our trust back. What she is doing is only going to make things worse for the both of you in the long run. I don’t hate her either, just feel sorry for her. An it’s like I said, you better pray and hope she is worth it and is the one, cause what she doesn’t realize, whatever lines you feed her right now to make her feel better are the same lines you fed us. Cause if I or anyone of your ex’s still run across your mind (more than once a day) and you feel regretful, maybe you need to be honest with yourself and her, that you are just not ready to settle down or be serious cause you still care in ways you don’t want to admit.  Either way, I wish you both the best and I have no hard feelings towards either one.

I can go on forever like this, but I think you and the world get what I am saying. I still love you, and always will. Why? Cause I see the good in you. I see the love and loyalty in you. Just until you can truly love yourself, you can never feel such amazing love from being loyal to someone. The contentment you get out of that is the most amazing feeling ever. I will never forget you though. I will wonder if you are ok and if your happy. But I am sticking to never being able to trust you again, at least with my heart. I do mean it, once the warden releases the chains on you, I don’t mind being friends and civil (also doing that for your brothers sanity in all this.). You know how to get a hold of me.

I want to be single for a while. It will do me some good. Learn to trust people, and surround me with good people and live my life. Plus, I need to mentally work on myself. I am good person, so.. I forgive you. Take care of yourself butthead.

Sincerely,

Beavis

 

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Broken. Part 3.

12 11 2012

I am not sure if I am even that broken anymore to be honest. I am at the point where I just want to give eye for an eye. You know that stage you want them to feel your pain before you can just “let it all go”.  It’s like a that part in the movie were the woman gets her revenge and walks off completely satisfied. No one gets physically harmed, just they get that moment of “ah-ha” and realize they fucked up and get karma served cold. Now for those who all really know me, know I am not like that, but a for a woman who keeps getting hurt, maybe I need to do something to show I shouldn’t be fucked with. I mean, everyone has a cold, detached, not giving a fuck side. Just right now, I am at that stage were that little devil in me wants to come out. It’s like, the only way I can feel better is if I do some emotional harm. Just in my MY situation, it’s hard to get the upper hand when he is silent, which is his way of fucking with your head. Then again, with what I know and can spill….lord it would be a great ending to my scene in the movie. The best part is, he knows it and banks on it that I don’t say a damn word. hahaa.

 

I think one of this reasons he ever “liked me” is my ability to fight like that. Which could mean, I can handle him and understand him. Hell, I understand him in ways and can handle him ,more than he even understand and knows. Just I refuse to be the another woman, or is it the other way around? I dunno, but either way, I know my worth and will not settle for less. I deserve loyalty, honesty and respect! An I will be damned if he or any other guy that would come into my life thinks they can fool me anymore or LIE to me anymore.  So, bring it ASSHOLES! GAME ON!

 

Arg!! I have so much anger built up!! I mean all he has to do is, give me back my damn stuff! What is he trying to prove by hanging onto them? Cause if I have to make a  4 day road trip/vacation and go up there and get it, it won’t be pretty for anyone I run into when I get there, cause my mouth will not remain closed.  I warned him, so I am giving him time to keep his “word”.  I am not a toy or a game…so I am tired of being fucked with!! Damn if it weren’t 10:35 in the morning I would have a drink to calm my nerves right now. I will have to settle for music and going for a run or something. I think I just need to try to stay away from people today, cause even though home life right now is very rough and stressful, even the littlest thing can set me off.  Hell, maybe I should just sleep the day away or something or go somewhere alone and turn off my phone for a little while. Anyway, you all have a wonderful day and I will post again when I am not so damn angry! Grr.

-A