A Souls Journey

25 03 2015

Ahhh..love. Love is one thing in life we all crave, if we realize it or not or want it. We walk through life feeling the ups and downs of emotions of love that just can rip the very soul out of our body’s. Make us go so numb that everything goes totally silent in us. Our being, strength and light seems to go blind. We are lost. Dreaming of the day we can feel the warmth of complete acceptance, life and seeing the world in the heart of the one person you can’t breathe without. You are drawn to their light and energy. Yet, for some out there, they seem scared to feel again. Scared their soul will be crushed into nothing. Give up more or less. They walk on this earth pretending to be ok, to make excuses to why they are alone. In deep denial that they are lonely and eager to walk this earth with a force that make them feel like a king or a queen.

To me love is you can look someone in the eyes and the whole world melts away. You float in the air of such peace that every pain, scars and doubt washes away. That only thing that matters is the one heart between you is beating. That you feel something more than love and that word hasn’t even been invented in our life time on earth or before time. Question I have for you is, is there such a love? Is it all a dream? Fantasy? Shit, is it only in the movies? Question you have to ask yourself is, is love worth the risk of getting hurt (again)? Some say, getting hurt is the only way to know you were ever alive. That you can fight your way back to feeling your heart beat again. An you grow from your pain, but never stop loving. If you can stand in the rain with someone, and see their tears, you see them. You see their very soul and without realizing it your soul reaches out to theirs. It’s that moment of ah-ha. That moment where everything goes silent. I understand that everyone sees love differently and that they want to be alone cause they went through so much. I am not saying rush love, it will come to you if you let it. Sometimes it could be right in front of you already but you are totally blind to it. Being patient and letting yourself be open to feeling is a start. I was inspired by a friend to write about love. I see such a beautiful person. An even though we known each other for a short time, you can see he is crawling to love again. I see such love in him and huge burst of light that I wish I could stand in front of him and shake him awake and make him see.

He wants to be alone right now cause he been through so much. I understand that in more ways than you can imagine. He says he is not scared of love. He has been there for me in ways he can’t understand how much I appreciate it. He got me to open up in ways no one did for many years and got me to be me again. I don’t know how he did it, but I feel better talking to him sometimes. Basically, patiently not giving up on me. Making sure I shine and shine bright. So, in return, I am making sure he doesn’t give up whats shining in him and to be open to feeling something again for someone. If that person is Far away or close. To embrace the possibility of truly being ok again. Love again. I am not sure how I am going to do it, but the path to knowing how, will be me being patient with him. There are very few close friends in my life and I see him be in my life as long as he wants me in his. There is so much to say on this subject. I guess, it’s going to be one of those never-ending topics for me on here. If I can’t say what I want too in “person”, it will be in a letter form on here.

To be continued…

-A

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Finding Peace

19 09 2012

What the fuck is my problem?! I have no clue why I am letting fear over come my emotions and actions. When I let fear control my life, I’m  nothing but irrational and do un-character like things (if that makes any sense). For example, in my last entry, everything is still true but for some reason I am assuming when I don’t need to be. Like, I am assuming he is ignoring me, when he is just on the phone with possible employers or something to do with his business. He is just a very busy guy and going through A LOT. Hell, when I was there he was doing some things cause he needed too. Just for some reason, I let it get to my head he lied to me and is ignoring me, etc. That’s not WHO I AM, I am NOT like that! I am not clingy nor am I a drama kind of girl, yet I am acting like I lost my mind. Then again, it doesn’t help having people whisper in your ear that he is cheating or that this is not “normal behavior” for a relationship.  I would like to set the record straight on somethings real quick though.

For starters, he was this way when I met him. So, it’s not like I didn’t know what I was getting myself into.  What is “normal behavior” for a relationship anyway? Who are people to judge my relationship with someone when they either..

  • A.) Single and don’t know a good man if it bit them in the ass!
  • B.) In a shitty relationship, so they have to  point out flaws in yours so they feel like they are the only ones.
  • C.) Trying to convince you your partner is doing the same shit to you as their partner is to them (cheating, lying..etc).

So, I only got to say one thing to all of that, “SHUT THE FUCK UP AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!” Unless, I go to you for your OPINION, shut up. I mean, this is why, I only have a few real close friends I can go to for advice and opinions that won’t pass judgement, understand and will be honest. I just need to find my balance in my relationship with him. He is busy getting his shit straight and working his ass off and most of all dealing with some painful and personal things. I need to just stop trying so damn hard and let things just unfold itself. Hell, even his roommate and close friend said, “he just needs space, take it slow”. So, that’s what I am going to do. I will just have to keep myself busy and distanced, and let him come to me. Cause texting him when he can’t reply and worrying so much is something he doesn’t need to deal with. I just have to keep being patient, strong and trust he will keep his word and all the things he has said. Specially promises. We love each other and we both know that, and when the love is real, you make it through anything.  All about trust!

I think the reason why I fear so much is because I am so used to getting hurt and having promises broken, that it’s hard for me to visualize someone finally being true to me. It’s like waiting for the other shoe to drop and they jump out going, “Just kidding! Good Bye!”.  I have to work on trying not to react so badly. Hey, I never claimed to be perfect. I make mistakes and I learn from them. So, for right now, I am going to go MIA. No Facebook, texting (unless it’s with family or my two best friends) or talking about this in a negative way. It’s all positive, love and trust from here on out. He will text or call when he is ready. So, I am forcing myself to go old school and do things before I had a cellphone or internet. Which is, go out more, reading, work on home projects (like my room), etc. I promise I won’t be gone for very long. I just have to prove to myself I am stronger than I am and for how much I love him. Besides I need to shake my fears off.

So, on that note. I am off to have some lunch, clean and watch movies. I would go out, but it’s raining. What better time to get some rest and mediate. Talk to you all soon.

-A