Spring is here!

18 03 2014

Hello everyone ūüôā

I don’t know how the weather is on your guys front, but here its beautiful. Everything is turning green and blooming with clear skies and temperatures up in the upper 70s, low 80s making it warm outside. I am loving it! Granted, yesterday it was all cloudy and rainy, but that is part of it all. Mother natures way of kicking everything back alive after a long shitty winter. ūüôā

In fact, about a week or so ago, the boyfriend and I went canoeing. That’s right, you heard me..canoeing. Floating down that river with the weather the way it’s been was just beautiful. Very peaceful as well. I love how the creatures are being born during this time. We saw baby turtles, baby gators, new fish. Hell, that state park even had a natural spring (aquifer) you can swim in. It was hella cold, but it’s that way year around. We plan to go back there again before Spring is over and hike the area some or a lot. He also wants me to take up my hobby again.. photography. That place is great for taking pictures. The beauty of nature right now is at it’s best. We also plan to head out to the beach once the temps reach the 80s all day. He doesn’t like the beach much, but will go for me. I just love having an active boyfriend who is willing to try new things and go places to try to have a little fun. Oh, and I went swimming in his fresh clean pool this past Sunday! ūüôā

Alright, I have to be honest. I am loving it again being in a city. You are close to everything. My boyfriend is 30 minutes (less on days with good traffic) from Universal and Island of Adventure, malls, state parks, events. He and I are trying not to rush things, but with the way things are I am seeing myself moving to Orlando before the year is over. I am just getting burnt out on this small town. Nothing to do here and you would have to drive over 40 minutes to even get anywhere, even if it’s just to the movies. Plus, work is not getting anywhere either or better. I am in a rut. It is like I am stuck going in circles in that place. So, I will have to quit and find something else in the city, or transfer to another store and hope that place is a little better. Just living here is not doing it for me. Feels like I am missing out on life staying here. I think I am at a point in my life to where, not only am I ready to settle down, but to have a real life. All I know is, being with him, I am coming out of my shell and want to see the world. ‚̧

I am trying to mentally keep positive on things. Try not let fear or nerves talk me out of doing what I know in the long run be good for me. I know I will upset some people or make them mad if I leave etc. It will though show me who are my true friends and will be supportive. Anywho, I need to get some cleaning done around here then I am off to work. If you all like to chat with me or keep tabs on other things I am doing, you can do that by following me on twitter and instagram. I am on them a lot more than I am on here. Talk to you all later! ūüôā

Twitter: @CuriousSpirit
Instagram: Curiousangel81

-A





Updates and stuff.. :)

20 02 2014

Hello everyone…

Like I promised, I am here to give you all updates with¬†what I have been doing for the past few months. I honestly don’t know where to begin, lol.¬† Well, after my last post ,¬†“Dear John (pt 2)”, I wanted to avoid the internet a little bit. I tried to keep busy offline. Didn’t work out to well, but then something came over me. You know that feeling you get when you get in your gut that you need to try or do something? I for one, followed my gut and it led me to someone so awesome and amazing. Yes, I know I said in my last post I was going to be single for a while. Just I wasn’t going to seat around and keep thinking about all that is happened and try to pick it to pieces to learn about myself, etc. It would have just brought up old wounds and keep my mind and life going in circles. So, I picked myself up and met someone new. He is literally the best guy I have been with. We clicked on all levels! No joke! It was like we been together for years. I have no words to even begin to describe him. It’s like “God” finally understood what I needed in my life and he brought it in a form of a wonderful new love. He is adventurous, happy, positive, responsible, educated, got a awesome job (pays well), funny, loving, caring, romantic, supportive,¬†fun MAN! He brings the best out of me. He is my best friend, I can tell him anything. He makes me feel better when I am having a bad day. He makes me laugh when I need it the most and¬†tries to make a negativity into a positive.¬†¬†Most of all, no drama in his life. We are going on 4 months and I am still smiling everyday day thanks to him. ūüôā

On the other news, work is still the same. My hunny wants me to quit. I told him it wasn’t that easy to do that. Though he told me it was ok, and that he would help me. I told him, we will see how things go by the summer. I will either start looking serious for a new job (In Orlando where he is) or just quit. If I quit there are a lot of factors I have to consider, cause it would effect one other person cause they also relay on my income right now to pay my part of the bills. So, we will see where things go. I told him, when we are together for 6 whole months and if my debt is all paid off. We will talk some more about it, and¬† with my roommate. For now, I just enjoy my days off with him, doing new things and enjoying¬†his company and love! ūüôā

Overall, I am doing pretty good right now. I just have to fight my way through the mental stress of work and keeping a float here.¬† I also vow to try new things every week somehow. After all, isn’t that what life is all about? Experiencing its wonders and life? One thing that makes it all worth it, is being able to enjoy it¬†with someone who makes life even better in the process. ūüôā¬† Anywho, I am off to get some cleaning done and maybe finally getting my taxes done before I head off to work. I will be back soon! ūüôā

-A





Totally lost and dazed.

27 11 2012

Have you ever stood still and let everything around you fall apart, but it’s all in slow motion?¬† Yeah, that is what’s happening to me. With the process of moving, which is really rough cause the fall out to the reason we are moving is mentally and emotionally draining. Not to mention, stressful. The tension¬†in this house is unbearable. It’s like being frozen in a large block of ice and¬† not feeling anything but yet it hurts. How someone can turn off their feelings after so long with someone and act like they don’t care, is for someone like me hard to understand and let go. The feeling of anger, disappointment, pain, spitefulness, and disrespectfulness that fill this house right now makes it hard to breathe, think, react and live. It’s to the point where I can’t even describe it, it feels so bad here. What’s hurtful to me the most right now is, no Christmas this year. We are spending all the money on the move. I love Christmas and it’s fucked up for me now. I am surprised I am keeping it together as I am.

 

An please don’t tell me it’s because I am being strong, I am not. I cry a lot when no one is around. I am mostly dealing with all this alone. Hardly NO ONE in the family is knowing what is going on. None of my friends no what is going on. Just me, my thoughts and heart ache. I feel like I am going to explode. It’s like having a huge panic attack. Your heart races, you go pale, can’t breathe and everything goes dark. It’s like life get’s sucked out of you! An to¬†have to keep it together for others which¬†makes it harder and harder cause you have to be their rock. Well, who the hell is mine? People expect a lot out¬†of me, but I always get so little in return. I wanna drink soooo¬†bad to numb out more than¬†I am already numbing myself too. Then again, I know it’s really a bad idea. It will only make things a lot more worse.¬† I just don’t have any outlet. I am going to have to take leave from work the moment I can.¬† At least¬†2 to 3 weeks,¬† and go somewhere and be totally off the grid from everyone and everything, alone.¬† Only thing I have right now is my iPod… only thing keeping me “sane”.

 

As for any form of love life… I wanna love and I do “love” someone, but I can’t do anything about it nor say anything. So, I am totally solo. Hell, maybe I am meant to be. I guess time will tell on anything in my life right now. I am trying to keep my heart calm and my mind on every little bit right now.¬† Let go of things that need to be let go and that I can’t control. It’s the only way I can think to keep sane. I also have to learn, that if my action hurts others, well so be it. Best way to filter out those who truly care and am I worth anything to them. Besides, if they knew me at all, they would know that is I lash out it’s because I am stressed and hurting, so we’ll see who is in it for me for a change and not the other way around.

 

Anyway..I am going to go drown in music and sleep the world away… ttyl.

-A





It’s Complicated.

6 10 2012

Hm. Where should I start? I’m mentally, emotionally, and physically all in different places. Mentally, I am telling every other part of me to shut up. It has me totally focusing on remaining strong and not to show pain or anger. Just plainly going numb. Like, it’s not the right time to feel. I don’t know if I am doing this to punish myself or others, but right now it’s just like my mind is telling me, “what the fuck are you doing? STOP! You are better than this!”. Of course, my heart and spirit wants to override it all. I am just at a stage in my life where I am better than I betray myself to be. The shell, my actions and the whole thing of keeping my mouth shut is not¬† me. What I mean by that is, the way I react to things and say is not what I am feeling (most of the time). The past few weeks I have been trying to figure out, how to balance myself and not hurt myself or someone I care about. Weed out the truth, lies, the negative and positive things. Just overall, trying to limit the pain and stress in my life by stepping back from things and some people, so I can come back stronger for my health and for the sake of theirs.

Emotionally, well, I am born this way. There is nothing I can do about it. I just have to learn when it’s ok to be emotional. Just not when I feel it’s ok to be and throw my emotions into something that will only lead to back lashings. But am I being punished for the way I am? Why do I seek such adventures of the heart? I take it to places where my mind mentally literally goes, “What the fuck are you doing?”. I need to teach my heart to be just has strong as my mind. I won’t take away the love it gives, but getting to realize to slow it down and to be careful on who I give the love too. Just like everyone else in this world, my love has a purpose, and it’s meant for one person only. It’s just how you take your heart on the journey to find that one person that won’t kill it repeatedly. I am strong, but when it comes to the heart I am the weakest of them all.¬† UGH…WHY?!?!

Physically, well, with my mind and heart going to war it has taken its toll¬†on me. Lack of sleep, starting to get my poor eating¬†habits back and I am such need to want to drink. Like, I am wanting to numb everything totally out. No physical, emotional or mental pain. Just a mutual¬†plain of calm. Where silence and relief lies. I just for once would like to be able to balance all of this out and march forward. Then of course, my curiosity¬†gets the best of me and I have to explore places where my heart and mind will be going at it like World War 3! Then again, it’s something I am use too¬†since I was very young. I don’t know what love is without pain. Acceptance¬†without judgement. Understanding without criticism or knowledge of who I really am without judgement.

You all are probably wondering if I am still even with him. I guess you can say we are together, I dunno. Just he has gone silent on me. I don’t know if that is his way of protecting me from everything he is going through, or his way of wanting out of his word. I have heard from him more before I went to see him, now I am not even a dot on his radar. If he would just put his big boy panties on and just say how he feels and what his motives are, maybe I wouldn’t be left guessing so much! He won’t even text me good morning anymore. I have to prepare myself for the worst and expect the best from him. Either way, until we can finally talk (which I am guessing is on his terms), I just need to move forward with my life. I love him, I truly and deeply do and I want to be with him (I know what you guys are thinking, but there is a lot more to him then what the world sees). Also, been thinking, he teaches/trains others people¬†for a living….and sometimes even when you are not even one of his students, he makes sure you learn something out your situations.

Anyway…. so in the process of it all, I have been keeping super busy. Gym (even though my eating habits suck), working more (I got more hours now), hanging with friends more, doing home projects and reading a lot. I am just about done with my 514 page book! Yes, that is right, I am reading “Fifty Shades of Grey”.¬† One of my best friends gave it to me as a late birthday gift a week ago, don’t judge! Then again, now I know what all the fuss was about. Ladies, it’s a must read! I had my doubts too, but holy hell… READ IT!!¬† Well, until next time my faithful readers.

-A





I’m Alive.. I Think.

19 08 2012

Never fear, I’m alive. Just a lot has gone on and been too tired to put¬†the words together. Like my mind has¬†been on vacation to escape it all. Also, been trying to get things together for my trip next Saturday only to have obstacles to be placed in front¬†of me. Like yesterday, my engine¬†light on my car came on. An this¬†little town you have to wait until during the week to get your car worked on cause they are closed on weekends. Which sucks! An I am not going tomorrow. Cause it’s my birthday and I am not going to be sitting at a garage in this heat. I will drop it off early Tuesday morning and pray that its very fixable and I can get it fixed before next Saturday.

Oh! There is more stress to tell. As usual, work as been a huge boil on my ass. The drama, gossip, back stabbing and politics¬†in the place would make a soap opera¬†look like child play. Specially being that my two best friends and I are being singled out cause we speak out on things, so they are making life a little harder at work. Basically more for my friend Maggie then for my other friend and I. We are just given a hard time for guilty by association. Just wrong. Makes getting up for work just dreadful and mentally draining. I know, I need a new job, but it’s hard to find¬†one when no one is hiring that is in driving distance. Besides with my car being a pain, it’s going to be rough.

I’m just praying the rest of the week goes smoothly and no drama or extra stress. I just want to get on that plane on Saturday and escape this all for 6 wholes days. I know it’s going to be long four days before my trip, but I am getting on that plane if it kills. I need this time away to get myself together and maybe finally find love again. So, pray for me.

Anyway, like I said,  tomorrow is my birthday and I will be going out with my little family here in Florida and going to dinner at the cheesecake factory. I will update one more time before Saturday. I am still debating if I am going to take my laptop with me or not. I will have my iPhone to update if I really need to. For now, I need to do inventory on my cloths, wash some cloths and move money around so I can make sure I have some money to get my car fixed. Later.

-A





Vacation?

30 07 2012

No I wasn’t on one. An I did it again, didn’t I? Sorry, I didn’t mean to be MIA for a week again.¬† I just get so busy I totally forget to update this thing. I’m sure you all have done it once or twice yourself, right? Anyway, things the past week or so have been interesting to say the least. You know those list of things I need to get done? Well, I haven’t even touch that bitch of a list! Work and other crap, like, well ok just work. Just been nuts! Crazy hours where having a life of any kind is hanging with friends in the parking lot¬† after work. Sad ain’t it? Well, the good news is about 3 weeks ago, I put in to have this upcoming Thursday-Monday off. Which means, I can work on my list, hang out with friends and family!¬† Oh..maybe even finally get some damn sun! It’s sad, summer is almost over and I don’t even have a tiny bit of a tan. So so so damn sad.

I also decided¬†to do something, that even though my mother hates nor likes it, I am taking a trip at the end of August to see someone. It’s not like I don’t know¬†HIM, just haven’t met in person yet.¬† So, other than buying myself the new iPhone (it’s an upgrade¬†from the iPhone I have now) for my upcoming birthday, I’m treating myself to a vacation out-of-state. I need to get out of this town and state for a little while. Who knows, maybe I come back a new person? Hell, maybe come back¬† head over heals in love and with someone? Seeing this person I will learn some really cool things. I just have to get away from everyone and everything for one week. I am going crazy and wanting some self growth, I can’t do it here. If I don’t go see him and try some new adventures, I will regret it.¬† Booked my flight this morning.

I am so glad to have today off. Gives me a chance to make plans for my trip, get things done around here. Besides the weather is keeping me home bound¬†anyway.¬† I guess rain has its way of doing that doesn’t it?¬† OH, as for my work outs, sadly I have kinda been slacking in it. I know I know!¬† I saw my work schedule, and I see that I can go back to my normal work outs again. Afterall, I went this morning and I kicked it up a notch. SO HA!

Anyway. I am off to chill and wash some cloths and maybe go watch the Science channel. Later peeps!

-A





Totally Exhausted.

20 07 2012

I can’t believe my last entry was 6 days ago. I am sorry. I usually try to¬†never go more than 3 days without posting something.¬†Just it’s been very tiring . Work the past 4 days as been busy. For some reason, I have been pushing myself to do more than¬†I usually do. Granted, in some ways that could be a good thing. Then again, it leaves me without any energy¬†at the end of my shift or the need to want to do anything¬†afterwards. I have only gone to the gym Monday and today. Just awful. I have to at least go 3 days a week. Just I am so behind on¬†everything that needs to get done that I am slowly going crazy (or that’s what it feels like anyway) for not getting things done. I need more than my regular two days off from work. Speaking of which.

About 2 weeks ago, I put in to have August 2nd-6th off and it was approved. Which is wonderful!!! Then being we have to use up our vacation time before our yearly evaluations, I put in to have my birthday week off. The week of August 20th. They kinda have to give it to me..so I am more than 50% sure I will have that off too. Oh the relaxing I am going to do. Cause right now, I am not sleeping well, stressing out, worrying and eating kinda crappy that I just need to find ways to pull myself together and focus again. The best part is, there is a good chance on one of those times off, my mom and I are going to see my sister in Seattle for a few days! YES! So, pray for me that it’s going to happen!!

On other news, my nephew Alex as left for basic training to be in the Air Force. I am so damn proud. An I don’t care if I have to use personal days or call in, I am going to see him Graduate from basic in September! I will put the dates in, and I will explain to my boss why I need it off, but either way I am going!! That is a huge milestone in our family. Specially since¬†being that my dad was in the military. The last name is being carried on into the military. Tradition! An everyone is going to be there. My dad, aunt,uncle, my mom, me, my sister (duh its her son), my other nephew. Hell,¬†maybe even my cousins!¬†¬†It’s going to be a huge family reunion at the same time. So, look out Texas! The Picard Family is coming to invade…lol.

Well, I need to go get my day started. I work later and I don’t want to go in. ARG! I promise to update sooner.

-A